K, so I had a writing challenge from a friend the other day, and it was to write a conversation between me and my five year old self. I kinda got pretty far into it, and it turned into another of my life stories, so I decided to post it.
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Kaitlyn: 18 year old me
Kaitlyn Ashley: 5 year old me
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Kaitlyn: Hey kiddo, how ya doin?
Kaitlyn Ashley: Umm, my mommy says not to talk to strangers ..
Kaitlyn: I promise ya kid, I ain’t no stranger .. In a couple of years you know me pretty well
actually ..
Kaitlyn Ashley: Promise?
Kaitlyn: Promise.
Kaitlyn Ashley: Ok! So what’s your name?
Kaitlyn: The name’s Kaitlyn.
Kaitlyn Ashley: Really? My name’s Kaitlyn Ashley, it’s kinda like yours ..
Kaitlyn: Yeah, trust me, that Kaitlyn Ashley stuff won’t last long, before ya know it, the only person who ever calls you that will be Nanny.
Kaitlyn Ashley: Nanny? I like her. She buys me candy and stuff when mommy and daddy won’t.
Kaitlyn: Yeah, I know. Stick to her kid. Someday she’s gonna be your saviour.
Kaitlyn Ashley: Saviour? What’s that? You mean like at church? I thought Jesus is my saviour?
Kaitlyn: Oh yeah, Nan’s just started taking you into real church now eh?
Kaitlyn Ashley: Yeah! It’s real fun, and if I sit through the whole speeches I get fruit snacks!
Kaitlyn: Haha yeah, I remember that now? Well yeah, I guess for now you can say Jesus is your saviour, but someday you might change your mind, I don’t exactly know yet?
Kaitlyn Ashley: Ok. Is Nanny always gonna buy me candy.
Kaitlyn: Haha, yep, until you’re about 13. Then you’re not gonna want candy anymore. She’ll start buying you pretty clothes and junk like that.
Kaitlyn Ashley: Clothes? Why would I want clothes?
Kaitlyn: Just trust me on this one, someday you will.
Kaitlyn Ashley: But why?
Kaitlyn: Don’t worry about it. You don’t need to know yet. Just someday, remember to treat Nan right ok? She’s always gonna be there for you, and when you need somewhere to go, she’ll let you live there, and someday you will.
Kaitlyn Ashley: Live with Nanny, why, where are mommy and daddy going?
Kaitlyn: No where. Don’t worry about it. They’ll be fine.
Kaitlyn Ashley: Promise?
Kaitlyn: Promise. Wow, I started early with this whole promise thing, did I never trust anyone?
Kaitlyn Ashley: Huh?
Kaitlyn: Nothing kid, sorry. Shouldn’t you go out and play?
Kaitlyn Ashley: Well I want to, but Lori’s the only kid who’ll play with me, and she’s gone to school, but she says that after today she gets to stay home for the whole summer! And mommy says that in the fall I get to go to school too!
Kaitlyn: Yeah, you do, and you’ll have fun. And don’t worry about those other kids; later on you’ll be glad they don’t play with you.
Kaitlyn Ashley: Ok. But I wish they’d play for a little while. I get really lonely when Lori’s gone.
Kaitlyn: Well is daddy home?
Kaitlyn Ashley: Yeah, he’s always home, not like mommy who goes to work everyday, but he doesn’t wanna play right now.
Kaitlyn: I tell ya what, I betcha if you walk inside and look all sad he’ll come play, and take advantage of every minute you have with him and mommy, some day you’ll be glad you did now while they still talk to you.
Kaitlyn Ashley: Really?
Kaitlyn: Yeah, and that whole sad look thing is always gonna work on everyone, cuz you’re always gonna be the short little kid who looks innocent, but you won’t be innocent, that’s for sure.
Kaitlyn Ashley: The other kids say I’m too short to play real games. Is that true?
Kaitlyn: For now it is, and you’ll never get tall, sorry to break it to ya sweetheart, but you’re always gonna be littler than everyone else.
Kaitlyn Ashley: Oh. Will they still laugh at me for it?
Kaitlyn: Kinda, but they’re only joking, don’t take it to heart.
Kaitlyn Ashley: Ok, and Jeff says that I have to kiss him, do I really have to?
Kaitlyn: You don’t have to, but you will. The other kids are gonna tease you until you do, and it’s gonna feel weird, but just ignore it. He’s not right for you anyway. Kid, you’re gonna do a lot of stupid stuff with him in the next year, and get in a lot of trouble, but don’t worry about it. He’s gonna leave eventually anyway.
Kaitlyn Ashley: He’s gonna leave? So will he stop teasing me and making me do things that I really don’t wanna?
Kaitlyn: Yeah, in a few years he will.
Kaitlyn Ashley: Good, cuz he makes me do some stuff that makes me uncomfortable.
Kaitlyn: Yeah, I know, but hang in there kid. A lot of people are gonna do that to you, and a lot of people are gonna make you do things you don’t wanna, or take advantage of you. Just
keep your chin up and remember you’re better than them.
Kaitlyn Ashley: You sure seem to know a lot, how?
Kaitlyn: I’ve been there and done it all sweetheart, and someday you will too. In fact, in about 13 years you’re gonna be just like me.
Kaitlyn Ashley: Really? You’re cool I guess. Will Lori still play with me?
Kaitlyn: Sorry to tell ya kid, but no she won’t. In fact, you two don’t have much time left together.
Kaitlyn Ashley: But she’s my best friend!
Kaitlyn: For now. Don’t worry, someday you’re gonna have the most amazing friends a person could ever have.
Kaitlyn Ashley: But no Lori?
Kaitlyn: But no Lori.
Kaitlyn Ashley: Oh.
Kaitlyn: Just play with her for now, and have fun.
Kaitlyn Ashley: K. So when do I meet my new friends?
Kaitlyn: Well it’s gonna be rough for a while. When you start school you’ll meet a few friends, but they’ll never really treat you right. They’re gonna tell you that you’re no good, but don’t listen to ‘em ok? Most of them will leave you alone after a while. One of them is gonna be your friend for a long time, her name’s Robyn, and she’ll be nice to you until you guys get old enough to start to understand the real world.
Kaitlyn Ashley: The real world? What’s that like?
Kaitlyn: Trust me kid, you don’t wanna know yet. But that girl, stick to her like glue too. She’ll help you a lot for a while.
Kaitlyn Ashley: Robyn. Ok. I can remember that.
Kaitlyn: Alright, but do me a favour. When you two grow up and she starts being mean, don’t take it to heart. What she says won’t matter in a few years, and you’ll have more friends.
Kaitlyn Ashley: K. Do you know everything that will happen to me?
Kaitlyn: I know everything up till the time you’re done high school.
Kaitlyn Ashley: So can you tell me some stuff?
Kaitlyn: Maybe, what do you wanna know?
Kaitlyn Ashley: Are mommy and daddy gonna split up like Jamie’s mommy and daddy did? Cuz they did and Jamie has to move.
Kaitlyn: Naw, they’ll stay together, but they won’t always be here for ya. Spend all the time with them that you can now, cuz someday they’re gonna stop being nice.
Kaitlyn Ashley: But mommy said that mommies and daddies love their kids forever.
Kaitlyn: Yeah, she did didn’t she. Well I’m sure they still love me somewhere deep inside, they’re just too ashamed to admit it ..
Kaitlyn Ashley: Love you, no they love me, not you!
Kaitlyn: Right, that’s what I meant.
Kaitlyn Ashley: Good. But why do they stop being nice to me?
Kaitlyn: Someday you’re gonna realize you’re different, and while everyone else is off with their boyfriends, you’re gonna wonder why you keep thinking about some of the girls you see, but you’ll still have boyfriends too.
Kaitlyn Ashley: What do you mean?
Kaitlyn: Don’t worry about it, but never be ashamed of who you are. Just because you won’t always date guys doesn’t mean you’re wrong.
Kaitlyn Ashley: Date guys? Eww, why would anyone do that?
Kaitlyn: Haha, wow, exactly. Keep thinking like that.
Kaitlyn Ashley: Do I have to date guys?
Kaitlyn: Yup. You’ll still be scared of who you are, and some of them are gonna treat you bad, but you’ll learn from them all. Just do me a favour, don’t listen to when they put you down either. Don’t listen to anyone who puts you down. You’ll be a pretty good kid, and they’ll have no reason to say what they say. And when Jon starts hitting you, leave him, and when you see him again at church he’s gonna say a lot of stuff about how you don’t deserve to live, and stuff like that, just walk away, you’ll be proud of yourself later for it.
Kaitlyn Ashley: K, I don’t think I’ll remember this all ..
Kaitlyn: That’s ok, you’ve gotta experience it all to be who you will be, I just need to get it off my chest for now.
Kaitlyn Ashley: K, well you said I’ll look at girls too, what do you mean?
Kaitlyn: Well you don’t know it yet kid, but you’re gonna date girls too. In fact, you’re gonna
meet the most amazing girl in the world, and when you do, don’t be afraid to tell her you love her. She’s gonna be the best thing to ever happen to you, and she’ll make all the stuff everyone ever said go away, and you’ll never feel worthless again.
Kaitlyn Ashley: K, but mommy says that girls can’t date girls.
Kaitlyn: Yeah, she’ll always tell you that, but someday she’ll come around, and just don’t listen to what she says. A lot of people will say you can’t date her, and give you hell. Some of your friends will decide to stop talking to you, some of them already did when you told them you weren’t straight, but don’t worry about it. She’s worth it, and you’ll never once regret any of it. She’s gonna be that person you know you can always trust with anything, and can always run to. She’s gonna be the one that saves you from yourself and reminds you that life’s worth living ..
Kaitlyn Ashley: What are you talking about?
Kaitlyn: Oh, uhh sorry kiddo, I kinda started rambling there didn’t I, you’ll start doing that soon, and you’ll probably never break the habit, but don’t worry about it, the point is you’ll love her and just go with it, don’t over analyze it k?
Kaitlyn Ashley: Uhh k. So will I have lots of friends to play with?
Kaitlyn: Heh, about that, you’re always gonna be different than everyone else, and people aren’t gonna like it, but that’s ok. You don’t need everyone to like you anyways, and you’ll have amazing friends who care about you. They’ll support you through anything, and hold onto them.
Kaitlyn Ashley: Cool. Am I gonna be a good girl?
Kaitlyn: Well, for a while it’s gonna look like you’re not gonna be. A couple of those bad guys and friends I told you about earlier are gonna get you into some trouble. Drugs and drinking will seem more important than school and family, but you’ll never do anything too bad, and you’ll never get caught. Eventually, after one of those guys leaves you, those awesome friends will help you out of it all, and you’ll clean up your act.
Kaitlyn Ashley: I’ll never drink or be bad, Lori and I swore we never would!
Kaitlyn: Yeah, you’ll swear with a couple of other kids too, but you’ll be so depressed and suicidal you’ll do anything to make you feel better ..
Kaitlyn Ashley: What does depressed and suicidal mean?
Kaitlyn: Don’t worry about it, you’ll soon enough.
Kaitlyn Ashley: When?
Kaitlyn: Well when you’re about 10 it’ll start.
Kaitlyn Ashley: Ok.
Kaitlyn: Look kiddo, I wish I could tell ya life would be easy, you’d just drift through it all happy and not know the difference, but it’s just not gonna work that way. You’re gonna have a rough time, there’s no way around it, but it’s gonna make you strong, and make you who you are. Just remember through it all that you’re better than they say, and you can do anything.
Kaitlyn Ashley: But if it’s going to be so hard why can’t I just skip it all?
Kaitlyn: If only it was that easy kid, if only ..