*Warning - Major reminiscing ahead, if you don't wanna read something super sappy and sad, stop here. I had this random urge to write this all down, and it had to be done while I still could. You have been warned*
Alright, so I'm sitting here, having my stereotypical Sunday afternoon watching Rent, and resting, and all of a sudden it hits me really hard, This is my last week of high school. Can you say random crying attack? Jeez. I figured out, I'm pretty much done anyway, I mean English is over, and you can't study for the exam for English, and PAL/CALM, present my portfolio, then I'm done, Calculus, we're just doing exam review and well, I don't need the course, so I'm done. Scary shit. I've spent the last four years wishing my time in this hell hole was done, and now that it's here, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. High school was hell, but I had my share of good times along the way.
The majority of my friends started out with me in grade 9 four years ago. We walked into this "huge school" feeling so small (Especially me seeing as I was half everyone's height). The memories started there and never ended. Grade 9 had its ups and downs. Most of the guys I "dated" I'd like to forget, I had some friends I regret, hell I even almost got killed because a few people thought I was a homophobe. You don't know how hard it is to be accused of being a homophobe when you're me lol. Back then no one knew about me, but I just wanted to yell at them and tell them, that if they knew me at all I obviously wasn't.
Move up to grade 10. Friends were lost in many different ways, the dreaded Shawn relationship started, I gained some new friends which now are my stronghold, and it was one of the hardest years for me. At the age of fifteen I had already moved out into my grandparents house, because I knew my parents didn't want me, and I even knew they couldn't afford to keep me. Me being the ever helpful daughter agreed to move in with my Nan so that my brother could grow up never knowing that my parents were poor, and that they never wanted me. To this day, my little brother still thinks I stayed with Nan because I got to school faster in the mornings. He remains blissfully ignorant to every argument and struggle between my parents and I, and I plan to keep it that way. Grade 10 was the year I started struggling with myself too. The suicidal habits I'd had since I was 10 started to show, I started on drugs and alcohol, and my grades started dropping drastically. By the end of the year it was Shawn and I against the world, I ditched the amazing friends I have now because they were too "goody-goody" for me, and I regret that to this day. Maybe if I had at least tried to stay more in touch I might have made it through a little easier, but it's too late for that now. I even managed to attempt suicide, and have no one know. I woke up bloody and drugged up 12-14 hours later and no one ever knew any better, scars have healed, and cuts are gone, but it all still remains to this day. Somehow, I made it through the year and lived through the summer and made it to grade 11.
Grade 11 was almost a horrible repeat of grade 10. With Shawn and I still together, I was still too busy drinking and getting high to care about school, my parents were too stoned to care themselves, and my Nan never knew. I had a few scares, almost failed a few classes, almost had alcohol poisoning and then the problems with Shawn started. After a year and a half that relationship fell apart, and I was lost. The amazing friends I have now saved me, no lies. You guys don't know what you did for me. It started with Karly being the first one to comfort me, and by the end of the year we had a bond strong enough that I lived through the summer, even though it meant I lived half of it at home with my parents. I managed to pull through grade 11 passing everything, got to have an amazing trip to NYC with the best friends ever, and started back into a normal life. Thanks to these friends, I can say today that I haven't done drugs in over a year, and I never drink excessively anymore, thank God. After a rough summer at home, my parents and I decided that the only way for me to live at home was if they moved into town so that I could escape when needed, and for the first time I can remember my parents did something for me. At the very end of the year, I told a whole two people I wasn't straight, Sam and Elaina, which I knew was safe, obviously. After that, I knew I couldn't live another year of school denying myself, I had to be me.
Grade 12 has been both the most amazing and difficult year of my life. It started with my friends accepting me, and thank God they did, because my parents certainly didn't. With the support of you guys, I made it through and managed to convince my parents I wasn't a freak of nature. With Elaina gone, I got closer to Sam, and well we all know that story. Seeing as now the whole school knew, of course they wanted to make my life a living hell, but I had people behind me for the first time in my life, and it's been hilarious watching people's reactions to things. By Christmas, things had completely fallen apart again with my parents, and with a few of my friends, but the amazing ones held strong, and after Christmas break, I was introduced to the most amazing girl I have ever met in my life. Sure at the time, I would never have thought that things would end up like they are now, but well thank God they did. After a few months of struggles with old friends, I somehow managed to come through and ended up with the most amazing relationship of my life with the most gorgeous and sweet girl I've ever met, and I thank God everyday for her. Now, next thing I know, it's the end.
I've gone from the shy girl who walked into ARHS, never spoke a word unless someone made me and who ran out of school crying in the first week, to the girl I am today. I may still be shy in some meanings of the word, but I can really testify to the fact that the last 4 years did me some good in at least I'm not afraid of who I am, and I'm a much better person for it. Some of you guys probably never knew half of this stuff about me, and I don't really know what possessed me to write it all down, but I guess that that's my last 4 years in a nutshell. Sad that after all of this, I can write it all down so fast. Thanks to all of you for making me who I am today.