Colour The World In All The Colours Of Your Rainbow

RIP Boys...

2007-08-19T17:16:00.000-03:00

This town is no good for anyone. One way or another people get out of here. Some manage to get away safe, some of us have battle scars, and some leave in ways never imagined...

Last night we lost two of our own again. Two years ago Brent, and now, Nick Merrill and Corey Bates. Didn't really know either of them, but they were still our classmates, went to our school. Still just as sad. RIP boys, but we know you're ok. Brent takes care of everyone, and he'll be there with you.

Just Some Pics

2007-08-16T15:49:00.001-03:00

I was clearing off my camera when I came across some pics that hadn't been posted yet. Very unusual for me. So, here I am posting them! I'm pissed though because Facebook is down, so I had to upload them to Photobucket. Blah. I'd been avoiding my Photobucket for a reason - Pics of me and Paul. Oh well. Here you go.

Pics have to be linked to at LJ though, because they don't fit here. So, go to the LJ and check them out.

Anyways, that's it for tonight guys.

Yes, I'm Okay.

2007-08-16T15:48:00.000-03:00

You guys can't imagine how many people have gotten in touch with me to ask if I was ok. I promise you all, I'm fine. Sure I'm not happy about how things ended, but you know what? If he's going to act like this, I never want anything to do with him again. The Paul that I fell for is not the same Paul who had that conversation with me. Everyone is shocked at what he said. His best friends are upset with him, and are supporting me, and even the people who didn't like him never expected this. He was acting off for a few days, but this came as a shocker to everyone. We're all suspicious of something else going on, and we're trying to find out what it is. He knows it too. He's been apologizing left and right for acting off. I'm hoping we can get our Paul back. Am I going to forgive him for what he said? No. There is no excuse, and never will be. Will I be willing to talk to him? Maybe. Depends on what has been going on. He'll never have the trust back that he did before. We'll see what happens. I haven't seen him since the conversation. He had the last two days off of work. Tomorrow he has to come back, and sit right in front of me. We both stand during calls, so we inevitably will have to look each other in the face, should be interesting.

Work is cool. A Charter rep from corporate is in the building listening to our calls, and spying. She likes me though, so it's all cool. I've been doing awesome. I love it. I'm going back to loving my job. Seriously. I'm looking at promotions right now. I hope I get one. I'm applying for the volunteer fire department too. Should be fun, oh and yes, one of the hot ed desk workers at work is the trainer.

I have a date Saturday night. I don't know how that is going to go. He was working at TeleTech with me, left today. He's going back to school soon. It's just a casual thing, but I'm still a bit wary of it. I don't like moving on so fast. Yes I'm furious with Paul, but at the same time I'm worried about him. Oh well.

I guess that's it for now. I know I had something to write about, but I have no idea what it was. Oh well. I'm going to go eat.

Cosmic Bowling

2007-05-25T23:40:00.000-03:00

No More Sick Kaitlyn

2007-05-19T22:10:00.000-03:00

Dare You To Do It.

2007-05-14T18:36:00.001-03:00

How well do you know me? Guess you'll find out.

1. (2 Points) My name?
2. (4 Points) My last name?
3. (4 Points) Where do I live?
4. (1 Points) How long have we known each other?
5. (6 Points) Take a stab at my middle name
6. (1 Points) What is my job?
7. (2 Points) When was the last time we hung out?
8. (3 Points) What am I afraid of?
9. (2 Points) Do I smoke?
10. (3 Points) Do I drink?
11. (3 points) What is my favorite smell?
12. (1 Point) Do I have any siblings?
13. (2 Points) How many?
14. (2 Points) What's one of my favourite things to do?
15. (1 Points) How many piercings do I have?
16. (4 Points) How many tattoos do I have?
17. (3 Points) What's my favourite type of music?
18. (4 Points) Am I shy or outgoing?
19. (3 Points) Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules?
20. (2 Points) What's my favourite colour?
21. (3 Points) Name something that drives me crazy!
22. (4 Points) Name a useless piece of information you've picked up while reading my diary
23. (4 Points) What kind of shoes do I like to wear?
24. (4 Points) Do I have any pets?
25. (2 Points) What is my marital status?
26. (5 Points) How did I meet him?
27. (5 points) How tall am I?
28. (5 Points) What is one of my bad habits?
29. (3 Points) What is my insecurity?
30. (5 Points) If I were stranded on a desert island, what would I bring?

Sick Kaitlyn, No Surprise.

2007-05-12T17:34:00.000-03:00

Halifax Weekend.

2007-05-08T23:44:00.000-03:00

Interesting Day

2007-05-03T22:02:00.001-03:00

ID & Date-A-Timmy

2007-05-02T22:31:00.000-03:00

Three Days!

2007-05-01T23:14:00.001-03:00

April Is Autism Awareness Month

2007-04-30T18:39:00.001-03:00

Vlog

2007-04-29T22:22:00.001-03:00

Happy Birthday...

2007-04-27T20:37:00.000-03:00

Happy 21st Birthday B.C. Babay <3

Kaitlyn's Life Lesson?

2007-03-22T19:52:00.001-03:00

"Don't make someone a priority when all you are to them is just an option .."

Kaitlyn feels like shit. Plain and simple, like shit. This year has been hell guys. I know that hardly anyone's seen me or heard from me well that's because I've been so damn miserable. I'm officially fucked up, I've been going to a counselor and I have to go to a doctor and get some official diagnoses, but I've got, at best, chronic depression. Blah. I give up on school, as hard as I tried I'm still doing horrible, I just hate it. University is not for me. I've applied for Katimavik for next year, hopefully I get in. Here's for hoping. If not, who knows what I'll do. For now, I sit and wait ..

Sorry Guys ..

2007-03-14T00:58:00.006-03:00

Alright, so the update I previewed never came. Those pictures are from Charity Ball here at MSVU, I had to wear a dress. Boo. I know I've been dead, but it's been such a rough semester for me. To sum it up for y'all, I'm barely passing classes, depressed, been having some real troubles basically. Anyways, it all leads down to one upset Kaitlyn, and well it'll probably be summer before I post again. I really need to get my grades up, and I'll be starting counselling tomorrow and well just hopefully it'll get better. Life's done a good job of kicking my ass lately and it's just gotten too hard to deal with on my own. Sorry guys, I miss you all! <3<3

A Preview Of My Next Update ..

2007-02-12T17:50:00.001-04:00

Blog No More Go Boom ..

2007-01-26T19:26:00.000-04:00

Ok guys, new pretty template. The old one went boom so I had to switch. Oh well, I like this one better anyway. Life's been boring here so nothing to really update on. I joined Radical Cheerleading, and it's fun. Other than that, just classes, and home. I'm in Halifax this weekend much to my dismay, but I'm going home Tuesday night so I'll live I guess. Hope your lives are more exciting!

Kaitlyn's Still Alive ..

2007-01-07T01:37:00.000-04:00

Yes guys, it's true I'm still alive. Not okay, but alive. I'll update when I can write and not cry. Love you guys!

Not A Good Christmas

2006-12-26T18:19:00.000-04:00

Hey guys, remember me? Hehe, yeah my updating lately kind of died a little, but my Christmas break has been really rough so far. This is officially my worst Christmas ever. I don't want to go back to school, but I don't want to be here either, right now I just want my family gone.

My family has been horrible. My mother and I can not be in the same room together at all without endless arguments, my dad and I are strained because of my mother, and my brother is getting so upset about the family fighting that it's just making things worse. I feel so bad for him because he's sitting here listening to my mother and I scream back and forth at each other, and he keeps saying he's totally on my side, but he's just so scared of my mom and I don't blame him.

Ever since I came home I've been pretty much just hiding out in my room. I don't want to leave my room because everytime I do my mother screams, but now I'm just getting in trouble for hiding away. I keep getting these big lectures about how I'm being lazy and selfish. Ugh. I also got this huge lecture about how I apparantly hate my family and I don't care about them and just want everything to be about me. It doesn't matter how many times I try to explain that I don't hate my family, my mother stands by the fact that if I loved them I would be straight. She does not understand that it is impossible for me to be straight. It's not me, it's not who I am, I was born this way, God made me this way and no it's not something I just woke up one day and decided. She had a freak out telling me one day that I just woke up one day and decided I wanted to piss her off so decided I was gay. Wtf?! Why would I ever choose the bullshit I go through all the time, granted I would not change my sexuality if I could only because now I know that there is no reason to, there was definitely a time when I wanted it changed. I don't know how to deal with her anymore. She wouldn't even sit at the table at my Grandmother's for Christmas dinner yesterday.

Another thing, I'm getting so stressed I'm sick. When I stress out it majorly effects me. I don't deal with stress well, and when I get stressed out, I get migraines, my acid reflux acts up, my abdominal pains come back full force, I get really tired and withdrawn, and I can't sleep at night. I've been in so much pain and anguish the last couple of months it's not even funny. I feel like death, I really do. Another thing, the lovely growths on my legs are back. So much for being somewhat better ..

Oh, and my last complaint, my grandmother (Who recently found out my sexuality from someone other than me and refuses to talk about it with me) gave me an interesting gift in my stocking. A grow your own boyfriend. I unwrapped it and didn't say anything so she taps me on the shoulder and says "I figured you could grow one and take care of this .. "problem" .. you're having finding a boy. So now it's that I can't find a boyfriend apparantly, not that I already have an amazing girlfriend. I give up on these people.

Anyways, my presents were pretty few when I finally got them. When I got up this morning there was nothing under the tree as my mother had not wrapped them because she was still unsure about whether or not I deserved them. In the end my family bought me pretty much nothing, my brother got a good five hundred dollars worth more stuff than me but not a big deal. I did get an iPod Nano, and my TI 83+ Calculator because I desperately needed. Other than that, I got money for clothes. That was all my stuff.

I'm going to end this here now I guess. I don't want this entry to get any more bitter than it already is. I hope you guys had much better Christmas' than mine!

End Homophobia, Pass It On

2006-12-15T18:07:00.001-04:00

This is for anyone who can try to tell me that homophobia doesn't exist anymore, or that it's not as bad as we make it out to be.

Homophobia hurts. It causes emotional damage, and in some instances, physical damage as well. So many people are oblivious to things that happen in today's world concerning homophobia. I've had so many people tell me that there is no homophobia anymore, but I ask you this. If homophpbia is no longer an issue, why is it still illegal in some places for same sex couples to get married? Why do we have such a harder time trying to adopt children. Why do we still deal with the hostile stares, the uncomfortable feelings, and the fact that there are some places we just don't "belong"? Just because someone loves differently than you do, does not mean that their love is wrong. I'll believe that homophobia has been trampled the day I can walk through the streets without being stared at, when I can be legally married without a hassle, and the day that people realize that this is who we are. We're born this way. God made us this way, and who are you to question God's creation?

"People ask, "Who are you?" We are their daughters, their sisters, their sons, their nurses, their mechanics, their athletes, their police. We're your doctors, your fathers, your politicians, your solidiers, your mothers, your friends. We live with you, we care for you, protect you, teach you, love you and need you. All we ask is that you let us. " - Serving In Silence

Any spelling errors are not mine, but those of the person/people who wrote the poem.

Music: Life - Our Lady Peace

If You Love Me ..

2006-12-10T17:35:00.000-04:00

Well guys, this won't be a real entry, since it's finals and studying and it's been a rough few weeks, but you could all be my heroes if you'd go here and do it for me. K? K. Good.

Rough Times ..

2006-11-17T20:02:00.000-04:00

Ok guys, my updating has sucked lately, I know, but well, there's not been much to update about. I've been stuck in this depression that I just can't get out of. I guess I'll tell you about the few things I have done ..
What have I done? Not a lot. I've been writing more midterms, and studying my ass off. My glasses are broken so I can't see a damn thing to study and it's making my eyes ache, but oh well, don't really have a choice. I've been sick as hell, but that's another story altogether. I've barely left my room because I'm so depressed I don't want to see anyone. All I want to do is sleep. I haven't been eating, because I don't feel like anything will stay down. On the rare occasion I do eat, it's nothing really of substance, something small. It really sucks, and I want to eat, I just feel like it's not going to stay down, and I've got no drive to eat, I don't feel hungry, it's weird. I'm pretty much surviving off of orange juice. It's fun.
The sick thing? Well here we go with that. I'm officially done with doctors. My last doctor had told me to come back in a month for a checkup and he'd schedule a biopsy. I went in on Wendesday only to be told that he's done with me. He said to just sit back and let it all take it's toll on me, and if I get to the point where I can't walk again to call him. The thing is, if I get that bad I'll have to drop out of school. My dorm is on the top of a hill and I'm on the third floor - no elevator. If I get like I did last year I won't be able to make it up and down stairs or hills so I'll be pretty much stuck in bed. I'm in horrible pain already, and I don't wanna think about it getting worse. I haven't felt "good" in months. I have days when I don't feel sick, but I still feel like something's not right, I just can't put my finger on it. The pain never goes away. It hurts to move, to walk, to even sleep. I'm on these painkillers, but they put my mind in a total other place, I don't know what's going on, and I can't feel my body at all. They also make my Restless Legs Syndrome worse. I told the doctor all that and he just said not to worry about it, sit back and wait. My mom and I lost it at him. I've been sitting back and waiting for over a year. Doctors just keep passing me back and forth, but this was the last chance. He was my last doctor, and he's been cool up until now, but just lost all my respect. The things I could have are scary, and he won't finish my testing. I could be dying, but no one cares. The other fun thing? In about 20-25 days I'll run out of painkillers, no refills, and I'll be in extreme pain again and not be able to move. What am I gonna do then? I can't figure it out. I've got those days left though. After that, I give up. Ok, so now I'm all worked up and crying, in pain, I've got to go. I'll update again soon I promise ..

Edited to add - Ok, done with this shit, it even hurts to cry ..

End Homophobia

2006-11-06T19:45:00.000-04:00

School, Oh How I Hate You ..

2006-11-02T12:50:00.000-04:00

Well guys, you'd think that seeing as I have no life and spend all day in my room alone on my computer, that I would find some time in that to update, but apparantly not. I've figured out that living on campus is really not a good thing for me. Too many people around, and I'm getting so depressed I can barely get out of bed in the morning to go to class. Wait, classes, that's right, that's why I'm paying twelve grand to be here .. Hmm .. Maybe I should go to those. Maybe. I can't stay awake in them though, they all put me right to sleep. Ugh.

Also, I added a new link to a friend. As you can see Jacqueline's over there. She's my French/Psyc buddy, and she's the one who constantly reminds me I should go to those classes. They're the classes I miss the most. Stupid Psyc is just too early,a nd French is so simple it makes my brain hurt. Argh, and stupid midterms start next week .. Again. It doesn't make sense. Shouldn't midterms only happen once a term?! I hate school.

Anyways, this is my weekend to stay here, so to keep ourselves amused, Christie's coming over on Saturday night to have an L Word Marathon with me :). Should be fun, and hopefully it'll cheer me up some. I desperately need it. And also, maybe we can even get around to putting a post up on the group blog from the two of us. *Crosses fingers*. Anyways, I've got some stuff to do before my stupid math lab (Another annoying thing. MATH LAB? WTF?!) So I guess this is the end for now ..

I Fight Like A Girl ..

2006-10-24T02:59:00.000-03:00

"I fight like a girl who refuses to be a victim, I fight like a girl who's tired of being IGNORED and HUMORED and BEATEN and RAPED. I fight like a girl who's sick of not being taken seriously. I fight like a girl who's been pushed too far. I fight like a girl who offers and demands respect. I fight like a girl who has a lifetime of ANGER and STRENGTH and PRIDE pent up in her girly body. I fight like a girl who doesn't believe in FEAR and SUBMISSION. I fight like a girl who knows that THIS BODY and THIS MIND are mine. I fight like a girl who knows that YOU ONLY HAVE AS MUCH POWER AS I GRANT YOU. I fight like a girl who will never allow you to take more than I offer. I fight like a girl who fights back. So next time you think you can distract yourself from your insecurities by victimizing a girl, THINK AGAIN! She may be ME and I FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!"

* Alright guys, this means a lot to me. Some of you know why, some don't, either way, never be ashamed of fighting like a girl again .. *

Loong Weekend/Family Life Improving?

2006-10-10T22:47:00.000-03:00

Well guys, I've been slacking on the updates again .. Sorry! I still love you guys, I promise, it's just that lately, everything has been so depressing. I went to my specialist appointment on the fourth. He checked into my legs, apparantly all my lumps and bumps are still there, they just went from a couple big ones to a bunch of little ones. Not a good thing. I have to go back again and get him to recheck, and he wants to do a biopsy. He can't do a regular needle biopsy either. I get to be sedated and he gets to cut my leg open or something. I'll admit I didn't listen to well to what he was saying because I was so unimpressed. Also, I've found these new drugs I'm on make my RLS a lot worse. It's not cool. It's been a rough few weeks in the health department.

As for my weekend home, it was .. fun. I think this weekend was officially "Let's gang up on Kaitlyn" weekend. There was a lot of drama, but it's over now, and I don't wanna talk about it. My family was slightly better though. They were more supportive, and they didn't freak over my sexality. I liked that. I guess my mother took my threat of losing her daughter seriously, whod'a thunk it?

Other than that, life is boring. Midterms are this week/next week, and it's gonna be fun. I wrote Women's Studies today, it didn't go well. If I didn't pass it I don't pass the course. I tried like hell though, so it's not my fault. I suppose I'll stop boring you guys now. Hope your weekends were better than mine!

CSI/L Word/Take Back The Night

2006-09-29T15:12:00.000-03:00

Howdy guys! Amazingly enough, this is three entries in one week! Can you tell I'm bored at school? Anyways, I'm still working at getting over this whole doctor thing, waiting for my blood test results and I go to the specialist on Wednesday. I started my new meds the other night, and I was high as a kite. It's gonna be interesting, I was just giggling and laughing, and well, I was high lol, but that's all I wanna say about this whole sick thing, cuz I don't wanna think about it.Last night, was CSI and the L Word premiere! Christie came over to watch CSI in my room, and then we went over to another dorm to watch the L Word. It was uber fun (Yes I just said uber!). There was a hell of a lot of people there, and we were all so loud, and it really was a good change, something to keep my mind off of so many things. Christie finally got a semi decent picture together too lol, so I might post that. I think I'm gonna start posting more pictures, just because they amuse me, and it'll be nice to look back on them actually see what went on. Anyways, we also had a really entertaining time bitching about guys, and homophobes, and well, everything. We drove Christie back to her University (After Elise had an embarrassing encounter with a girl on her floor, which involved her kissing Elise, poor girl), and then came back here. We've planned from now on for CSI/L Word every Thursday, and movie nights too! Yay for living on a campus full of gay people. Also, tonight is the "Take Back The Night" march here in Halifax! It's a march against violence towards women, and basically, we get a bunch of women (and some guys too) to march down the streets of the city! It's gonna be a blast, even though I'm sick, with a cold and can't breathe. Blah. I guess this is the end of my entry guys. Have cool ass weekends, have fun, and be safe guys, Hehe, I'm such a dork!

Lightheaded Kaitlyn

2006-09-27T23:54:00.001-03:00

Well guys, here I am again. I'm still really upset about this whole doctor thing, having a really rough time. I went and got my blood tests done today (15 vials of blood missing = a very dizzy and tired Kaitlyn). I'm still lightheaded, and my arm hurts like hell. It's been a long day, and tomorrow I'm staying out of classes to sleep, because I already passed out once today, don't need to do that in class. Anyways, just wanted to keep you guys updated. I need some more rest and stuff.

Bad News ..

2006-09-26T21:35:00.000-03:00

Well guys, I come once again bearing bad news about my health. Yesterday morning I went to the doctor on campus. You guys most likely remember my scary time last year when I was hooked up to IV's and stuff, and well we didn't know what was wrong. Well what I was diagnosed with was Erythema Nodosum. Really, it's a symptom of an underlying disease, and my doctor ignored that and never did my tests for what I could have. There's a whole list of things it could be. Basically I found out yesterday that it could be too late to treat it. We don't know what it is yet, and we're testing, but there's a good chance that I've had some major problem for years, and my doctor did nothing, and it's too late. I'm understandably upset. I spent all day crying yesterday, called my parents, who surprisingly enough cared and started crying, and are coming into the city tomorrow to help me out with some stuff. Now I'm down to just being scared for my life. I get my blood tests tomorrow, and I have to go to a specialist sometime soon, and then, who knows. It's scary as hell guys, so wish me luck.

My University Living ..

2006-09-20T19:30:00.000-03:00

Well, I've been doing pretty good at avoiding posting since I started classes. Woops. Hehe, I do have excuses though! I promise! And good ones! Classes are so annoying. I've learned to live for Fridays, because not only does it usually mean that I get to sleep in (yay!), but it also means I could be in Amherst, seeing people I love (Obviously not my family!). Speaking of Amherst, I'm going back again this weekend. I know, I know, I'm being a goof and going back to often, but I have to. It should be an interesting weekend seeing as my mother has made it clear she doesn't want me there, but oh well. I am going anyways, wish me luck :).
In other news, I do believe my room is almost completely pride territory! I think the whole campus knows I'm gay .. Hmm. I live in rainbow. Hehehe. It's amusing. Also, Elise, Elaina and I had some fun the other day. Said fun did not include draping a rainbow flag over a statue of the Virgin Mary and taking pictures though, and said pictures would not be included in this post :). Hehe. I feel so evil.
I think this is the end of my post. I seem to be boring lately. Maybe I can come back from Amherst with more fun kicked out stories! Have great weekends people, I will talk to you all soon!

Phew, That Update Was Needed ..

2006-09-15T20:02:00.000-03:00

Ok guys, I know I've been slacking on the updates since University, but can you blame me? I'm so damned busy! I've got no time to myself, and the precious little time I have is spent to trying to talk to you guys and catch up, one person especially, so I haven't really written anything of my college experiences I guess!
I've been having fun I guess. I love the environment, people are so supportive, people like me for who I am, and I've never yet had one person yell at me for my sexuality. I really miss some of you though. I visited ARHS today, it's gone to the shits. You know we're not even allowed in there? Technically, if you don't go there, the hall moniter will kick you out. HALL MONITER. What the hell, and it's a hundred times stricter, and ugh. I'm glad we're not there. I had to like sneak around (While hanging out with my little brother, as well as Christie's), and hide from her. The teachers all love to see us though, and won't kick us out. Stupid High School.
Anyways, at University, I've been meeting people, starting classes, yadda yadda yadda .. But I've also been having fun with some of the liberties I never had here. Kaitlyn's = Rainbow Paradise! Oh yes, I have rainbow steamers, a rainbow flag, and a Brokeback Mountain poster. I promise I'm only a little out! My whole campus pretty much knows, seeing as I have a rainbow arm band, and a belt, and I'll sit and tell you about my girlfriend for hours. Hehehe, I love it. I love being able to be out, and safer.
I've made some new friends in my classes, and even got asked to run for student council. I'm still debating that, not sure if I want to or not, but I might. We'll see how it goes. I'm also the captain of the "Keith's/Mount Cup" team in my house. It's awesome. I love not being judged!
Anyways, I'm home for the weekend now, enjoying spending time with people I haven't seen in a while, saw Kristy today at the school, and having a blast with my little brother (Who is totally cool by the way, I discovered this a little while ago..). Hope you're having fun wherever you are!

One Week, Almost ..

2006-09-09T23:22:00.000-03:00

Ok, so as of tomorrow (Well actually, like 40 minutes), I will have been here at the Mount for a week. I am so unimpressed. I want to go home. It's not that I don't like University, it's ok, I just want my friends back, and for some of the people here to disappear. My mother is still crying everytime I call home, apparantly she misses me? How can she miss me when I leave by choice, but not when she kicks me out? Argh, I don't wanna try to figure her out. Some of you guys have been kinda missing lately too. Not only do I not see you anymore, but you're not online a lot either, you need to fix that. We have to refuse to fall out of touch! I'm hoping we can all get together at Christmas, but I've said that a few times lol.
Anyways, I'm out guys, got some stuff to do. Gotta start reading the Psyc, Stats and Feminism books I have for classes, oh yeah and by the way, THANK GOD FOR MR.G. He may have made French in ARHS a living hell, but my SECOND YEAR French class is learning our grade 10 stuff. Can you say Kaitlyn's sleeping through it?

Homesick ..

2006-09-08T01:44:00.000-03:00

Well guys, It turns out I really should not have let myself leave town this year. I'm a total wreck, want to go home, and I miss everyone. My mom has cried everytime I called home saying she missed me. It's ridiculous. She apprantly misses me. Argh, I just want to see everyone. I got to see Christie and Mal, and Elaina's here with me, but I miss my friends who are in grade 12 now, and you guys who are further away. We need to do movie night when we're all home for Christmas ok? Hopefully by then I'll be more ok ..

New Surroundings ..

2006-09-04T11:24:00.000-03:00

Well guys this is my first post from the new dorm room. Exciting? No. Pretty much it's been boring as hell. I moved in yesterday, got all my stuff unpacked and all that jazz, then helped Elaina unpack (Which actually means I sat in her room and avoided Frosh stuff. Then Elaina and I kicked around the dorms for a little while while I met some new people, and eventually went to the hypnotist. That was fun, wathcing people pretend to be in a porno and stuff. Oh God, it was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. Damien the hypnotist = a God lol. Anyways, just a quick update to show I'm still alive. I hope you're all having fun with your University stuff!

Moving Out Tomorrow ..

2006-09-02T21:07:00.000-03:00

Jeez. I'm freaking out right now. Less than twelve hours from now, I'll be out into the world, at university, and on my own. It's scary as hell. You'd think with all the shit that's happened this year at home that I would be waiting for this, but really, I wish I didn't have to go. Sure it'll be nice to be rid of my parents, and this town, but there's so much that I'm leaving behind. There are people I'm leaving behind that I'm really not ready to, some more than others.
Anyways, I've got to go finish my packing. I guess this is going to be my last update in my house. After this, I'll be updating from Mount Saint Vincent University ..

Laptop Out Of Lockdown!

2006-08-31T15:22:00.000-03:00

Yahoo! Kaitlyn is finally updating on her brand spankin' new shiny laptop! Yay for owning a computer that actually works. Finally. Anyways, not really much to update, I've pretty much spent the whole week packing and shopping, both with my mother, joy of all joys. Anyways, that's it for now I guess. Just wanted to update that I finally got my laptop ..

Lovely Weekend

2006-08-27T23:18:00.000-03:00

Wow, so I've never realized how much stuff I have, and how much stuff I refuse to part with. I'm getting so depressed packing up my stuff, while my mom keeps yelling to throw out stuff. I'm such a packrat, but I'm just so attatched to all my memories. If I don't have my memories, what do I have? I'm big on pictures, and letters, and well everything that attatches me to my life, and my mom, wants to throw it all away. I got this big lecture the other day about how I'm clinging to memories that I shouldn't be, and that after I start school I'll never want to talk to my old friends ever again. She doesn't know me at all. She thinks my friends are disposable. Oh God I can barely deal with her these days. Honestly, pathetically enough, I don't want to go. I feel like I'm just not ready, but there's no way she's letting me stay here. Ugh. Guys, why can't life be simpler. I just want us all to stay together, and I don't want to leave a special someone behind here, I'm just not ready for any of this ..

I Am Slowly Going Crazy, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, SWITCH!

2006-08-22T21:27:00.000-03:00

So Kaitlyn's world is spinning in circles, and she's getting uber nauseous, but she just can't stop the spinning .. Ugh. My parents are once again off the deep end pissed at me. For what this time you ask? I don't know. Honestly, my mom just came barging in here earlier saying I kicked my dad off the computer when he was doing work. Umm, my dad wasn't anywhere near the computer when I got on? I don't know where that came from, and my dad even told her no, it was ok, he had finished about ten minutes before I got on, but that was unacceptable. She seems to think he's too scared to tell me otherwise. What? Right .. My mother is officially nuts. Then about a half hour later, my dad comes in and flips out that I'm using "His family's computer" because apparantly it's not my family anymore. I tried to explain to them that maybe if they got my laptop out of lockdown and actually gave it to me I wouldn't use their computer, they weren't too impressed. What a shame. I almost care. Apparantly though, I get my laptop Friday night. That can not come soon enough. As soon as I have it, I'm outta here to somewhere that I can hook it up and use my stuff in peace. Sweetness. Other than that, not too much to report. Still at the stupid TeleTech job, having fun laughing at people calling in about their stuff not working, because I know mine still does :)

Alrighty, I Get It ..

2006-08-17T20:29:00.000-03:00

Aaaaaalrighty then. I seem to have a few people complaining I'm not updating enough. Well then. I guess you guys now have to deal with my boring life! You can all thank Christie for this one especially, because she was the one who complained last. Hehehe, told you the shit had hit the fan :oP.
I looks like I won't be spending my last two weeks at home again. In order to quit my job and still get my letter for my student loans, I have to quit on Friday. My mother won't let me do that. She says if I do, I'm out again. Looks like I'm out. I need my two weeks, to get everything ready, see my friends, and pack, and really, I need to see someone special a few times, and I know my mother doesn't want to accept that, but she can get over it. I'd also have to work until three in the morning, and I'm not screwing up my sleep schedule anymore than I already have. I can't sleep at night as it is with all my sleep disorders, I don't need to mess it up more.
Last thing to talk about, is the other night. It was Karly's going away party. She leaves on Saturday for Taiwan, for a whole year. I'm going to miss her like hell! Last night was fun though, we went bowling and had pizza, and well, I got wrapped in rainbow streamers lol. I'm going to attach a picture so you can all laugh at me accordingly. I thought it was fun, but apparantly it was not a good idea. I came home, could barely move, and my mom almost passed out. Apparantly walking around in public covered in rainbow streamers, is not her idea of being subtle, and trying to hide myself. What a shame, too bad I don't care if anyone knows. Anyways, it's time for me to run. Gotta go see Karly, watch Big Brother and say my final good-byes. I guess you can start handing me some Kleenex for the tears now ..
Happy Christie?

Guess Who's Back ..

2006-08-13T10:57:00.000-03:00

Back again .. Hehehe, excuse the old school horrible song lol, I just couldn't resist. Anyways, if you haven't figured it out by now, not only should you be shot for being stupid, but, I'M BACK. Yes, it's true, you will be able to catch up on your daily dose of Kaitlyn once again. Mahaha.
As per my last entry, yes I had a rough time last week, but all is back to normal today. My job at TeleTech = Boooooring. Hmm, let's just sit here and play on the computer and the phone all day shall we? Oh, there's a catch, you get paid for it. Aduh. This is my last week too :o) So it shall be fun!
I'm still in my house at the moment. It's been a quiet week, seeing as I was working, and my mom was organizing my Aunt's wedding (Which is finally over thank God!) So no one really saw each other much. Hopefully this will last until school. And speaking of school, my student loan came in. I am set for the year now! Oh yes. I am pumped. It was more than we expected, and covers all my bills. Hells yes, now all I need is money to actually have a life, which shouldn't be too hard.
Oh yeah, and just a quick side note, that thing I dreaded that happened, all resolved, so I'm good now.
Anyways, just a quick update, hope you guys didn't miss me too much when I was gone :oP.

Slight Break

2006-08-08T17:24:00.000-03:00

Ok, so I know I've been avoiding updating, I'm sorry, I prmise I'll be back. The last few dyas have just been really rough on me, and I'm trying not to bitch about it on here. I started at TeleTech yesterday, moved back into my house. The whole moving back in has been rough, no one wants me here, and I know that, but I just had to be here. Also, something I've been dreading for a while finally happened today, so yeah. I'll probably disappear for a few days, but I'll be back, I promise.

Quick Update ..

2006-08-04T22:27:00.001-03:00

Kaitlyn's day in short ..
Kaitlyn goes to TeleTech, Does testing gets job ..
Kaitlyn comes home, slightly happy, but feels like she sold her soul to the corporate world ..
Kaitlyn watches TV all afternoon while feeling like shit .. Stupid sick ..
Kaitlyn's aunt who's getting married bitches all lunch about Kaitlyn's mom being right .. WTF ..
Kaitlyn gets drug uptown to shop by grandmother, comes home fast due to feeling like shit ..
Kaitlyn's other aunt gets in car accident, is ok, but shaken up ..
Kaitlyn gets hair cut .. Looks ok ..
Kaitlyn quits Co-op (Yay!)
Kaitlyn's mother calls her, begs her to come home, Kaitlyn says no ..
Kaitlyn writes in blog.
Cody saves Kaitlyn from certain insanity by getting her AMSN
Good night.

Interesting Few Days ..

2006-08-03T22:33:00.000-03:00

Lovely, so the last few days have been interesting. I've spent most of the time at my grandmother's house, which my parents can not find out, because if they do I'll be bitched at non stop until the end of time. I've found out that most of my family is on my side, except for the ones living in my house, and my aunt, however my aunt doesn't dare piss me off because I'm singing in her wedding, so she needs me. She doesn't seem to have any problem bitching to my grandmother about keeping me here, and trying to convince her that my mother is right. So far, my grandmother hasn't bitten, let's just hope it stays that way. I got some interesting news last night, that apparently my mom told her whole office I was an ungrateful little bitch, and just too lazy to get a job, but then she called me last night, totally unexpected, and denied it all. She also tried to feed me some shit about how she loves me and wishes she hadn't had to do what she did, but like I said, it's bullshit and I'm not listening. There's no way I'm going home after what she said, even after I am allowed in. I don't really care what she tries to do. The stuff she said was completely out of line, unnecessary, and had nothing to do with what she was supposedly kicking me out for. I'm not dealing with her anymore. If she wants to hate me and try to make my life miserable, she can do that from somewhere else, not in the comfort of my own home.
So besides staying at my grandmother's, I've spent the last few nights hanging out with Karly. I swear she's a lifesaver these days, helping to keep me sane, and keeping me where my mom won't find me. In fact, my mother thinks I'm still staying there. It can stay that way.
So yeah, I guess the last few days haven't been that bad over all. Yeah, it is rough not being allowed in my house, but it's kind of easier. I really do wish I had a family that loved and accepted me, but I know now that it's definitely impossible. Supposedly, I'm allowed back in after I get a job, but I can't go back. Not with the restrictions she's put on my life. I'm supposedly not allowed to talk to the most important people in my life, and well I'm not dealing with that. Yes, as my mother she had every right to yell at me for something I did, but not to bring anyone else into it, so that's just going to be the end of it.
Oh yes, and tomorrow I have to go to Teletech. Apparently I have to do some testing, which according to my cousin is just finding out if I can type, turn on a computer, do simple stuff. After that, I should start training on Monday. I wouldn't have even known they called me if my brother hadn't bothered to tell me online, and even then he told me off afterwards! At first, he was all upset about me leaving, but now he never wants to see me again. I guess my whole family hates me now .. Oh well ..

Out

2006-08-02T10:47:00.000-03:00

So, quick version of my night coming up. Last night my mother officially kicked me out of my house. It was interesting. Here's how it goes.
I called Elaina last night to talk to her about something that was going on. About an hour later I felt a bit better, but decided to go outside to sit out on the swing and calm down. Little did I know that my mother was already outside. As soon as I walked out the door she started going on about how she was going to get me up at 7 in the morning to go get a new job. I tried to explain to her, I'm waiting for a place to call me for an interview, because I'm like guaranteed to get in, good pay, good hours, no complaints. She freaked out and said that I couldn't afford to wait for calls. After that I came online long enough to ask Cody if he wanted to go for a walk. After a walk/drive with Cody, I was calm enough to go home, and the minute I walked in the door my mom started in on me again, only this time it was worse. She started going on about how she spent 18 years working everyday to build up a reputation and I was ruining it when I was leaving in a month. I still haven't figured out how I'm ruining her reputation, but I'm assuming she's reffering to my not being straight, because there was a little argument after that. After that she ordered me to go get a shower and some clothes together for the morning, because I was getting dropped off uptown, and wasn't allowed home until I got a job, and that if I didn't have one by Friday, then not to bother ever coming back. Then she left. I called my friend, told her the story, and we decided I would spend the night there. As I was leaving, my mom told me not to bother coming back. Ever. Fine with me.
I wish I could say that I wish it never happened, but life's so much quieter without her. I still went job hunting again today, just in case, but all my friends, and even family back me up on this. The only thing that sucks, is that if she decides not to give me my money for University, I can't go. I guess I'm just waiting for her to call and tell me that now I guess.
Anyways, I stayed at Karly's last night, might tonight too. I guess we'll see what happens after that. Until I find out, you guys can call my cell if you need me .. 664-7199 ..

I Have The Best Friends Ever ..

2006-07-29T19:44:00.000-03:00

Thanks guys. The last few days I've been an emotional car wreck, going through hell a million different times, struggling with a lot of things, then today with the whole possibility of my mom making me leave, it's been a rough couple of days. Thanks to those who offered to help me out, I really appreciate it and I hope I never have to take you up on it, but if I have to I will. At least now I have some sort of a plan.
Last night I went to Mal's with Rach for a while. The night included slushies (Drool, peach slushies ..) and trying to fix Christie's mic on her laptop. THE ALIENS ARE COMING FOR US. Bad feedback, for the feedback queens lol. It was hilarious, but I guess Christie's mic finally works lol. We ordered pizza too, got the wrong order, confused the hell out of the people at Bam's lol. Oh dear, it was amusing. Today, I went out for a while, visited some people, including my grandmother, which was how I found out about this whole possible getting kicked out thing. It's been a rough day, between that, and I'm scared I'm losing the only person I've ever loved, but enough of that ..
Tonight, I'm going to make Harry Potter cookies with Karly and Matt I guess. Let's just hope that Harry Potter in edible forms will make me feel a bit better ..

Shit ..

2006-07-29T15:29:00.000-03:00

Right, so guys apparently my mother told my grandmother that if I don't have a job by Wednesday then I'm out. Obvious problem with this is that I've applied for jobs, I'm just waiting for the damn people to call me. I have to wait, it's not like that's my fault, what else am I supposed to do. Basically if they don't call by Wednesday I'm fucked. Who loves Kaitlyn enough to help her out for a few days *Insert Puppy Eyes Here* I'm screwed ..

Mom + Blog = Bad ..

2006-07-27T21:39:00.000-03:00

Oh shit. Today was interesting. Apparantly a few weeks ago, my mom found my blog, And has been reading it ever since. Can we say uh oh? She read all the lovely stuff I wrote about her. It's a little dangerous. She spent a good few hours yelling at me after she got off work today, about how yes all this shit is my fault, and she doesn't think that everytime we have an argument that everyone on the internet needs to know. Funny, I thought my friends deserved to know when I was having problems, not to mention it really helps me to vent on here instead of to her. Guess not. Anyways, I changed the url, And I'm gonna lay low with this one for a while, so anyone like Mal and Cody who link blogs, leave the old one up till we leave please, it would help if she doesn't find it.
Today, at least I got to get out of the house after the freak out. Cody and I went and washed his car lol and we got my glasses waxed. Haha, that sounds so weird, however, leave it to me to stand in the stream of carwax! Oh yes. After that we went back to his house and continued the cleaning of his car, while I vented lol. Thank you Cody for getting me out and listening to me bitch, You are a lifesaver!
Anyways, I guess that's it for updates for now. Tomorrow I have to go out job hunting again so that my mom will buy my laptop hopefully. I really need it and she says she won't until I make a thousand dollars, which is impossible by the end of summer, but let's just hope that she'll order it anyway if I can get a steady job!

I'm A Disappointment .. Again ..

2006-07-25T21:57:00.000-03:00

Right, so according to my mom I'm a fucking disappointment again. I can't do anything right and apparantly I screwed up life for my whole family. What the hell. As of now I guess I'm on my own. She won't buy my laptop anymore, so I guess I'm not getting one because God knows I don't have the money. She freaked out at me for my stupid job not giving me hours, IT'S NOT MY FAULT. It's not like I asked for them to not give me any. I want the freaking money just as badly as they want me to have it? Do they think I don't want money next year? I'm sorry that I can't be perfect, that I couldn't work during the school year cuz it stressed me out, that when I did have a job that it closed. I'm sorry that I can't control who I am, or that I can't be magically straight again. It might have worked for you, but it doesn't work that way for the rest of us mom. I am who I am, and I'm damn proud of it, and I'm not going to go and change that just because you don't like it. I'm sorry that even though I have to leave in the fall that I don't want to. You think I wanna stay here with you? You're badly mistaken, but as badly as this damn town has treated me all my life, there's still people and places I'm going to miss, and yes, I am gonna want to come home and see them, even if you don't want me in your stupid house anymore. All my life I wanted to make you proud of me, even if it meant I grew up too fast, moved out, put so much effort into things that it hurt. It's you who drove me start drinking when I was twelve .. TWELVE mom, and thanks to you, I started drugs when I was only 14. Even then I knew that you didn't want me here, and neother did the rest of the world. Thanks to you, I'm not even me anymore. None of the things I'd dreamed of for myself have happened, except for the fact that I met the person of my dreams, and do you know what, I'm not sorry it's not a guy. I found love like you never could, and I know that. I'm proud of myself, and I'm damn proud of her, and who she is, and I don't care what you think. I know that I'm stronger than you, smarter than you and a better person than you. Unlike you, I'm proud of who I am, not hiding it, and I quit all my "addictive behaviours", You still have yours. I am who I am today, no thanks to you. You may have changed who I am, but you definitely never helped along the way ..

Changes, Again

2006-07-24T16:28:00.000-03:00

Yeah guys, I changed the template again. I just can't stick with one for too long or else it gets boring to me. This time, I tried to be slightly less depressing, hope you guys like it. I've changed a few things in it already, and I'll be changing a few more as time goes on, but it should stay pretty much like this! I'm kinda sick today though, it's been coming on for a few days now and really hit me today, so I'm gonna cut this short.

Lady In The Water

2006-07-23T22:02:00.000-03:00

So tonight was basically wasted by me going to the movies with the friends. Saw "Lady In The Water". Twas ok, but not amazing. The damn grass dog thing annoyed me lol. Thanks to those who went and kept me amused, and for those who didn't, I wish you could have been there. I did manage to talk through the entire movie, but I had to keep myself amused somehow eh? I hope I didn't piss you guys off too much! Anyways, the weekend has been rather uneventful, so I have almost nothing else to right about. Blim Blam! lol. I'm done.

To Stay, Or To Move?

2006-07-21T23:36:00.000-03:00

So right now, I'm seriously considering moving out of this house again. My mother is past the point of no return. I'm making this list of pros and cons for moving in my grandparents again, and well, hopefully it ends soon. I figure I'm gonna make it tonight, post it tomorrow, and hopefully decide in the next few days, unless for some amazing reason my mom becomes normal, which I highly doubt ..

So Now My Little Brother's In On It Too?

2006-07-21T23:21:00.000-03:00

Jeez, this day started out so good, and went to so bad. I'm now officially at war with my parents. Over the stupid computer. My parents really don't understand IM's, like my MSN. Everytime they want the computer, they want me to just give it to them that second. I've usually got no problem with handing over the computer for a second, but I can't do it right when they want it. If I'm talking to someone, I have to tell them I'll brb or I have to go, I can't just walk away. I've tried explaining this to them a thousand times. I told them you can't just walk away, it's like being on the phone, you can't just sit the phone down and walk away, you have to take 2 seconds to say I have to go for a sec, I'll call you back soon, but no. According to my mom that makes so sense. She's in such a bad mood lately that it's driving me nuts, and the worst part is she's starting to get to me. I'm sitting here in tears, because it just frustrates me so much that she doesn't understand, and that she doesn't even want to listen to me. I know that to her, I'm a fuckup, but you'd think that she could take a few minutes to listen so I can try to explain simple things to her. Like today, she was ranting to my little brother about how I use MSN so much. I tried to tell her it's the easiest way to communicate. I can talk to multiple people, and some people I can't call anyway, but she got into this lecture about how when she was a kid, you picked up the phone, called someone and told them you'd meet them somewhere to talk. I can't do that! My friends don't use phones, they all use MSN, and besides, some of them are in other countries. My friend Karly is going to be in Taiwan next year, am I supposed to call her, long distance and tell her to meet me halfway between Taiwan and Canada? I think not. According to my mom, I'm lying. I should just be using phones, but I've even got a few friends I can't call. They're not allowed on the phone, what about them? According to my mom, maybe I should reconsider being friends with them. Apparantly if I can't call them, they're not worth being my friends. The pathetic thing is, even my little brother is going against me lately. He's 14, you'd think he'd know better, but no. He's on my parents side 100%. I can't wait to get the fuck out of this house ..

Random Blurb .. Again ..

2006-07-21T16:16:00.000-03:00

I keep finding these random things in different things I read, and I want to save them, so you guys get to put up with them and read them. Sorry!

"To love is the greatest thing in life; it is very important to talk about love, to feel it, to nourish it, to treasure it, otherwise it will soon be dissipated, for the world is very brutal. If while you are young you don't feel love, if you don't look with love at people, at animals, at flowers, when you grow up you find that your life is empty; you will be very lonely, and the dark shadows of fear will follow you always. But the moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed."

Rough Couple Of Days ..

2006-07-17T22:24:00.000-03:00

So the last few days have been kinda rough. A couple of you guys know some things that happened, just thought I'd let you know, I'm feeling a lot better now thanks to one person especially, but she knows who she is. I've been desperately trying to just put a lot of things behind me, and try to stop being so depressed. It's working ok as of now, let's hope it stays that way. This morning was another 5:30 am morning. I don't think I'll ever get used to that, but the freaking girl who's supposed to be training be decided to randomly go home, and leave me alone. It was interesting. I never liked her, but today just pissed me off more. Other than that, it's just been too damn hot to do anything lately, so I have like nothing to post about. Hope you guys haven't died of heat yet!

A Successful Year In The End ..

2006-07-16T20:57:00.000-03:00

Yesterday, my favorite uncle got married. It went really well as far the wedding itself goes. They had it in their back yard, fairly low key and inexpensive, but hey, it was still one of the most beautiful weddings I've been to. Pretty much my whole family from my father's side was there, and I thought I was happy to see them, until the reception.
See, we got there only in time to get changed, have pictures, and get seated for the wedding, so there wasn't exactly any discussion time until afterwards, however, as soon as the wedding was over, the first thing out of my uncle's Glen's mouth was "So, are you excited to start studying to be a minister?". Haha, yeah, about that, I never really got to tell these guys the fact that I'm not going to anymore. Apparently, the whole family had their sights set on me being a minister, and I'm now a family outcast to everyone, except the uncle who got married, just because he couldn't care less. The thing that really bugs me, is my aunt from Newfoundland. We were always really close, and she was always so cool about everything, and her son is gay so I knew I was safe around her. Apparently not anymore. She's disappointed that I changed my mind. She cancelled her visit to see me and all this junk now, but you know what? I don't care. I was thinking about it for a whole last night, right after it all happened, and none of their opinions matter.
At the beginning of this year, I had said that for my graduating year, I was gonna be myself, and not care what anyone else said. I was sick and tired of the lies, and the hiding, and worrying about what the rest of the world thought of me. I was thinking the last few days, did I actually accomplish that? I made a few huge steps, coming out, ditching some people who I desperately needed to be rid of, told my mom to get the hell over herself, it seems like I did a lot, but when I think about it, I'm not sure how many people actually know the real me. Sure, I did a good job this year of being more like myself, but I can still think of things I did that are really not me. While debating whether or not I should have done things differently, I came to this conclusion. The year went by really quickly, and a lot of things changed. When I think of friendships gained and lost, I have no regrets. I made a couple new friends this year, strengthened bonds with others, and opened myself up to some people I would never have thought would have been as cool as they are. On the other hand, I lost a few friends, made a few enemies, and regrettably even hurt a few people, whether they deserved it or not. Thinking it over, I wouldn't have it any other way. The year was a hard one, that's for sure, but it was completely worth it in the end. We all had our difficult times, when we thought we were totally off track, or that as friends we were falling apart, but you know what? We kept it all together, survived grade 12, and it's over.
Overall, I'm happy with the way my high school years turned out. Everything I've been through has either been wonderful, or just made me stronger. I couldn't ask for better times, with better friends if I wanted to. Next year, when I've moved onto new places, there will be a lot of people I miss. Some people I knew I would, some people I never would have dreamed I'd miss, and some people, well let's just say I'm glad they're staying here. I guess all I've got to say is thanks. Thanks to those who supported me,and those who didn't. Thanks to those who helped me, and those whose insults only made me stronger, like it or not, you've helped me be who I am today ..

Aduh ..

2006-07-14T14:11:00.000-03:00

Lovely, so yesterday was definitely another 5:30 am morning. Add thunder to that, and you know that yesterday, was doomed to be a bad day. I've been up since 5:30 yesterday. I couldn't sleep at all last night, and spent it up all night thinking (which is dangerous) and writing(which is even more dangerous). I don't know what to make of anything anymore guys. I've kind of avoided updating in here the last little while. Sure I've posted meaningless little trinkets of my days, but nothing really personal. Lately, I just feel like I don't fit anywhere in the puzzle of life. I'm like that puzzle piece you find in the box, that you know has to go somewhere, but you just can't imagine where. I just don't get it. Lately, I scare the shit out of myself. Like I don't know what's going on anymore, like I'm on autopilot. There's only one thing I'm really sure of, and well, I can't even talk about it on here, but let's just say, it's the one thing that makes me happy.

5:30 am Should Not Exist ..

2006-07-11T22:53:00.000-03:00

So this morning, I got up at 5:30 so that I could go to work for 6:30. Most of you guys have seen me around 7:30/8:00 in the morning, and it's not pleasant, let's just say that 5:30 is much much much worse. By the time I got to work (after running into a few walls at home), I was gripping an extra large hot chocolate like it would save my life. I never really understood my parents Tim Horton's addiction first thing in the morning, but I will never doubt it again. So after work, I went home and slept, of course, only to be woken up by a very grumpy father. My father and I have never been close, but lately we're at each other's throats constantly. My mom and I, have been ok. I mean like yeah, we have our arguments, but they're mostly arguments we've always had. The house isn't clean enough, or my room needs tidying, or I need to work more, stuff like that. My dad however, lately has taken over my mom's fighting, only worse. He has a very bad temper, and tends to yell louder, and longer, and say things worse than my mom has ever said. For instance, take today for example. I had just fallen asleep when my dad bursts my door open yelling that he wants the window in my room open, and the door open. I calmly tried to explain to him that I'm very uncomfortable sleeping with the room to my door open, seeing as people can see me, and my brother has creepy friends. He proceeded to yell at me for about 30-45 minutes about how selfish I was, and that because of me the house wouldn't air out properly. Excuse me, but I do believe I have the right to some privacy. I need my door closed. I hate it when people can see in my room, even if I'm not there. My dad knows that, but it never fails that if I leave the house, he opens the door. Everytime I ask him to please respect my privacy, and he yells about how one of the doors on my end of the house has to be open to air it out. I'm sorry, but it's not my fault that you have too much smoke to open your room, get the hell over it. Sometimes I wonder what their problem is, and why pathetically enough, some kids my age are more mature than half the adults I've dealt with lately ..

Random Blurb ..

2006-07-10T20:08:00.000-03:00

"Learn to love yourself, and to always understand, that you never should be shaken, if things don't go as planned .... Try to nurture every talent, become all your meant to be, for then there'll be no limit, to the success you'll come to see .... Hold on to your dreams, reach for the stars up in the sky, and you'll find joy and happiness, in every day that passes by."

Imagine Me & You

2006-07-10T17:41:00.000-03:00

Right, so the last few days have been boring as per usual. Last night I went out to Elaina's for a bbq and to watch movies. Elaina's drunken relatives are always fun lol. Talking about the meaning of life, and poor Dawn hung up on her sister. Oh dear. After the bbq Elaina and her mom and I watched Imagine Me & You (Awesome movie, must buy ..) and Transamerica, which was ok, kinda funny, but that poor kid is scarred for life lol. I think I spent more time during that movie playing with the kitten rather than watching it lol. Today was pretty spent cleaning and sleeping. I really must remember that my mother now gets off of work an hour earlier though, because I ended up doing most of my chores in 15 minutes when my brother and I realized she was getting off earlier than we expected. Oh well, was tres amusing at least lol. I guess that's about the full extent of my last few days that anyone would care about. Hope your guys' summers are more exciting than mine so far!

Aduh .. Longest Two Days Ever ..

2006-07-07T21:33:00.000-03:00

Right, so my last two days were spent on campus at MSVU. I had fun, don't get me wrong, but jeez some of the people going next year are annoying. I found a whole 5 people I can stand. Guh. Got my courses though, which is cool. I got all my first choices too, and sweet courses like women's studies lol. And yay for Kaitlyn skipping first year French! Mahaha, and I qualified for Calculus, but had to take freaking statistics first year instead. Not a big deal, but it's kinda funny that I can take calculus .. If I can anyone can lol. Also, I made a kick ass new friend. And said kick ass new friend has a car, which means lots of random day trips home for Kaitlyn. Sweeeeeeet lol. Getting home is gonna be so easy seeing as I have no Friday courses and I have a free drive home any Thursday night I want, now plus the friend with the car. I'm set. And these poor people thought they were getting rid of me. FAT CHANCE. Mahaha, and as you can tell, they basically pumped me full of sugar and caffeine the last two days so I'm hyper as hell and well, this was a nice ramble about nothing, but I have to go now!

Weddings And Work ..

2006-07-04T16:53:00.000-03:00

Yeah, so it's been a few days since I last posed, but it's not my fault, my life just isn' the exciting to anyone but me lately. Most of the stuff was all private stuff, so don't shoot me for no posts :oD. Anyways, Canada Day ended up being boring as hell, sitting around here all day, and bbq'ing for my parents, at my grandmothers lol because apparantly our bbq is broken and they suck at it anyways hehe. Then Sunday I had to learn all the songs to sing at my aunt's wedding. Oh yes, not only so I have to sing in her wedding, but I have to sing EVERY SONG. Jebus, not cool. I could have dealt with one song, but all of them? Jeez, anyways enough of that. I started work yesterday. With an eight and a half hour shift. Dear God that was annoying. And tomorrow, I have a nine and a half hour shift. SHOOT ME NOW! Guh.

Graduation and Safegrad

2006-06-30T22:01:00.000-03:00

So, it's official, Kaitlyn is now graduated from high school. Scary eh? Graduation went by without a hitch, I got a $500 bursary from the Harrison's (Who go to my church lol), and well I didn't get honours like I would have liked to, but that's ok. I'll deal with it. I passed Calculus (Woohoo!) with a 57% haha, and got a 45% on the exam. Go me. At least it's over and I passed it. Makes things easier. After graduation and my crying fits (I had many, too many people just kept making me cry lol) we headed out to safegrad at Crystal Palace. Took forever to leave cuz one of the teachers kept counting the people on the bus wrong, but once Mr. Balcom cleared that up we were on our way. When I got there and found my friends, we fought like hell for pizza, it was every man for himself, and a riot because there were only two pieces each. Oh well, not a big deal. Then after that we started on all of our rides, and then the arcade, and then rides again, until 4am. It was awesome. We were still wired at 4 am lol, so the ride home Cody and I talked about many different things, and then Christie came over to my house afterwards, where I quickly calmed down and fell asleep whilst watching Rent. Yay for sleep. Even though I still haven't had a full 8 hours, those few hours were awesome lol. It at least gave me a bit of rest, now I just have to get my sleep schedule semi normal and I'll be good lol. So tomorrow is Canada day, then I get to sleep Sunday, and I start work Monday. Lovely.

Dear Me..

2006-06-30T19:54:00.000-03:00

K, so I had a writing challenge from a friend the other day, and it was to write a conversation between me and my five year old self. I kinda got pretty far into it, and it turned into another of my life stories, so I decided to post it.
------------------

Kaitlyn: 18 year old me
Kaitlyn Ashley: 5 year old me
-------------
Kaitlyn: Hey kiddo, how ya doin?

Kaitlyn Ashley: Umm, my mommy says not to talk to strangers ..

Kaitlyn: I promise ya kid, I ain’t no stranger .. In a couple of years you know me pretty well
actually ..

Kaitlyn Ashley: Promise?

Kaitlyn: Promise.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Ok! So what’s your name?

Kaitlyn: The name’s Kaitlyn.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Really? My name’s Kaitlyn Ashley, it’s kinda like yours ..

Kaitlyn: Yeah, trust me, that Kaitlyn Ashley stuff won’t last long, before ya know it, the only person who ever calls you that will be Nanny.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Nanny? I like her. She buys me candy and stuff when mommy and daddy won’t.

Kaitlyn: Yeah, I know. Stick to her kid. Someday she’s gonna be your saviour.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Saviour? What’s that? You mean like at church? I thought Jesus is my saviour?

Kaitlyn: Oh yeah, Nan’s just started taking you into real church now eh?

Kaitlyn Ashley: Yeah! It’s real fun, and if I sit through the whole speeches I get fruit snacks!

Kaitlyn: Haha yeah, I remember that now? Well yeah, I guess for now you can say Jesus is your saviour, but someday you might change your mind, I don’t exactly know yet?

Kaitlyn Ashley: Ok. Is Nanny always gonna buy me candy.

Kaitlyn: Haha, yep, until you’re about 13. Then you’re not gonna want candy anymore. She’ll start buying you pretty clothes and junk like that.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Clothes? Why would I want clothes?

Kaitlyn: Just trust me on this one, someday you will.

Kaitlyn Ashley: But why?

Kaitlyn: Don’t worry about it. You don’t need to know yet. Just someday, remember to treat Nan right ok? She’s always gonna be there for you, and when you need somewhere to go, she’ll let you live there, and someday you will.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Live with Nanny, why, where are mommy and daddy going?

Kaitlyn: No where. Don’t worry about it. They’ll be fine.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Promise?

Kaitlyn: Promise. Wow, I started early with this whole promise thing, did I never trust anyone?

Kaitlyn Ashley: Huh?

Kaitlyn: Nothing kid, sorry. Shouldn’t you go out and play?

Kaitlyn Ashley: Well I want to, but Lori’s the only kid who’ll play with me, and she’s gone to school, but she says that after today she gets to stay home for the whole summer! And mommy says that in the fall I get to go to school too!

Kaitlyn: Yeah, you do, and you’ll have fun. And don’t worry about those other kids; later on you’ll be glad they don’t play with you.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Ok. But I wish they’d play for a little while. I get really lonely when Lori’s gone.

Kaitlyn: Well is daddy home?

Kaitlyn Ashley: Yeah, he’s always home, not like mommy who goes to work everyday, but he doesn’t wanna play right now.

Kaitlyn: I tell ya what, I betcha if you walk inside and look all sad he’ll come play, and take advantage of every minute you have with him and mommy, some day you’ll be glad you did now while they still talk to you.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Really?

Kaitlyn: Yeah, and that whole sad look thing is always gonna work on everyone, cuz you’re always gonna be the short little kid who looks innocent, but you won’t be innocent, that’s for sure.

Kaitlyn Ashley: The other kids say I’m too short to play real games. Is that true?

Kaitlyn: For now it is, and you’ll never get tall, sorry to break it to ya sweetheart, but you’re always gonna be littler than everyone else.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Oh. Will they still laugh at me for it?

Kaitlyn: Kinda, but they’re only joking, don’t take it to heart.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Ok, and Jeff says that I have to kiss him, do I really have to?

Kaitlyn: You don’t have to, but you will. The other kids are gonna tease you until you do, and it’s gonna feel weird, but just ignore it. He’s not right for you anyway. Kid, you’re gonna do a lot of stupid stuff with him in the next year, and get in a lot of trouble, but don’t worry about it. He’s gonna leave eventually anyway.

Kaitlyn Ashley: He’s gonna leave? So will he stop teasing me and making me do things that I really don’t wanna?

Kaitlyn: Yeah, in a few years he will.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Good, cuz he makes me do some stuff that makes me uncomfortable.

Kaitlyn: Yeah, I know, but hang in there kid. A lot of people are gonna do that to you, and a lot of people are gonna make you do things you don’t wanna, or take advantage of you. Just
keep your chin up and remember you’re better than them.

Kaitlyn Ashley: You sure seem to know a lot, how?

Kaitlyn: I’ve been there and done it all sweetheart, and someday you will too. In fact, in about 13 years you’re gonna be just like me.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Really? You’re cool I guess. Will Lori still play with me?

Kaitlyn: Sorry to tell ya kid, but no she won’t. In fact, you two don’t have much time left together.

Kaitlyn Ashley: But she’s my best friend!

Kaitlyn: For now. Don’t worry, someday you’re gonna have the most amazing friends a person could ever have.

Kaitlyn Ashley: But no Lori?

Kaitlyn: But no Lori.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Oh.

Kaitlyn: Just play with her for now, and have fun.

Kaitlyn Ashley: K. So when do I meet my new friends?

Kaitlyn: Well it’s gonna be rough for a while. When you start school you’ll meet a few friends, but they’ll never really treat you right. They’re gonna tell you that you’re no good, but don’t listen to ‘em ok? Most of them will leave you alone after a while. One of them is gonna be your friend for a long time, her name’s Robyn, and she’ll be nice to you until you guys get old enough to start to understand the real world.

Kaitlyn Ashley: The real world? What’s that like?

Kaitlyn: Trust me kid, you don’t wanna know yet. But that girl, stick to her like glue too. She’ll help you a lot for a while.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Robyn. Ok. I can remember that.

Kaitlyn: Alright, but do me a favour. When you two grow up and she starts being mean, don’t take it to heart. What she says won’t matter in a few years, and you’ll have more friends.

Kaitlyn Ashley: K. Do you know everything that will happen to me?

Kaitlyn: I know everything up till the time you’re done high school.

Kaitlyn Ashley: So can you tell me some stuff?

Kaitlyn: Maybe, what do you wanna know?

Kaitlyn Ashley: Are mommy and daddy gonna split up like Jamie’s mommy and daddy did? Cuz they did and Jamie has to move.

Kaitlyn: Naw, they’ll stay together, but they won’t always be here for ya. Spend all the time with them that you can now, cuz someday they’re gonna stop being nice.

Kaitlyn Ashley: But mommy said that mommies and daddies love their kids forever.

Kaitlyn: Yeah, she did didn’t she. Well I’m sure they still love me somewhere deep inside, they’re just too ashamed to admit it ..

Kaitlyn Ashley: Love you, no they love me, not you!

Kaitlyn: Right, that’s what I meant.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Good. But why do they stop being nice to me?

Kaitlyn: Someday you’re gonna realize you’re different, and while everyone else is off with their boyfriends, you’re gonna wonder why you keep thinking about some of the girls you see, but you’ll still have boyfriends too.

Kaitlyn Ashley: What do you mean?

Kaitlyn: Don’t worry about it, but never be ashamed of who you are. Just because you won’t always date guys doesn’t mean you’re wrong.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Date guys? Eww, why would anyone do that?

Kaitlyn: Haha, wow, exactly. Keep thinking like that.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Do I have to date guys?

Kaitlyn: Yup. You’ll still be scared of who you are, and some of them are gonna treat you bad, but you’ll learn from them all. Just do me a favour, don’t listen to when they put you down either. Don’t listen to anyone who puts you down. You’ll be a pretty good kid, and they’ll have no reason to say what they say. And when Jon starts hitting you, leave him, and when you see him again at church he’s gonna say a lot of stuff about how you don’t deserve to live, and stuff like that, just walk away, you’ll be proud of yourself later for it.

Kaitlyn Ashley: K, I don’t think I’ll remember this all ..

Kaitlyn: That’s ok, you’ve gotta experience it all to be who you will be, I just need to get it off my chest for now.

Kaitlyn Ashley: K, well you said I’ll look at girls too, what do you mean?

Kaitlyn: Well you don’t know it yet kid, but you’re gonna date girls too. In fact, you’re gonna
meet the most amazing girl in the world, and when you do, don’t be afraid to tell her you love her. She’s gonna be the best thing to ever happen to you, and she’ll make all the stuff everyone ever said go away, and you’ll never feel worthless again.

Kaitlyn Ashley: K, but mommy says that girls can’t date girls.

Kaitlyn: Yeah, she’ll always tell you that, but someday she’ll come around, and just don’t listen to what she says. A lot of people will say you can’t date her, and give you hell. Some of your friends will decide to stop talking to you, some of them already did when you told them you weren’t straight, but don’t worry about it. She’s worth it, and you’ll never once regret any of it. She’s gonna be that person you know you can always trust with anything, and can always run to. She’s gonna be the one that saves you from yourself and reminds you that life’s worth living ..

Kaitlyn Ashley: What are you talking about?

Kaitlyn: Oh, uhh sorry kiddo, I kinda started rambling there didn’t I, you’ll start doing that soon, and you’ll probably never break the habit, but don’t worry about it, the point is you’ll love her and just go with it, don’t over analyze it k?

Kaitlyn Ashley: Uhh k. So will I have lots of friends to play with?

Kaitlyn: Heh, about that, you’re always gonna be different than everyone else, and people aren’t gonna like it, but that’s ok. You don’t need everyone to like you anyways, and you’ll have amazing friends who care about you. They’ll support you through anything, and hold onto them.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Cool. Am I gonna be a good girl?

Kaitlyn: Well, for a while it’s gonna look like you’re not gonna be. A couple of those bad guys and friends I told you about earlier are gonna get you into some trouble. Drugs and drinking will seem more important than school and family, but you’ll never do anything too bad, and you’ll never get caught. Eventually, after one of those guys leaves you, those awesome friends will help you out of it all, and you’ll clean up your act.

Kaitlyn Ashley: I’ll never drink or be bad, Lori and I swore we never would!

Kaitlyn: Yeah, you’ll swear with a couple of other kids too, but you’ll be so depressed and suicidal you’ll do anything to make you feel better ..

Kaitlyn Ashley: What does depressed and suicidal mean?

Kaitlyn: Don’t worry about it, you’ll soon enough.

Kaitlyn Ashley: When?

Kaitlyn: Well when you’re about 10 it’ll start.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Ok.

Kaitlyn: Look kiddo, I wish I could tell ya life would be easy, you’d just drift through it all happy and not know the difference, but it’s just not gonna work that way. You’re gonna have a rough time, there’s no way around it, but it’s gonna make you strong, and make you who you are. Just remember through it all that you’re better than they say, and you can do anything.

Kaitlyn Ashley: But if it’s going to be so hard why can’t I just skip it all?

Kaitlyn: If only it was that easy kid, if only ..

Prom

2006-06-28T21:39:00.000-03:00

Wow, so prom is over guys. Most of my friends went who could, and a few *cough**cough*CHRISTIE*cough**cough* stayed home because they wanted to, but that's ok I guess. My run down of yesterday basically goes like this ..

7:30am--> Wake up .. For a hair appointment at 1:00pm .. Smart mom ..
8:30am--> Run to school to drop off flute, then to Nan's to wait till 1:00
8:30-12:30--> Wasting time trying on my dress one last time, computer, on the phone for quite a long while ..
12:30pm--> Mom drives Nan and I out to the hairdressers, and the hell begins ..
1:00pm-2:45pm--> Got my hair done .. Almost two hours, I've always hated my hair, I hate it even more now lol ..
2:45pm--> Call cab, head straight to my makeup appointment .. Cuz I just looove makeup ..
3:00pm--> Got my makeup done, got my rose (I will get you back, you know I will ..), Walked downtown in my sweatsuit with my hair all done up with my tiara and makeup done .. How sexy is that lol
4:00-5:00pm--> Started wasting more time until I had to get ready to go get pictures taken ..
5:00pm--> Pick up Corey, go to the museum ..
5:30pm--> Pictures with Elaina and Jason at the museum .. Bugs were horrible, I got bitten to pieces, was not impressed ..
6:00-7:45pm--> Loon Onn for food, we had such a blast, we were talking so loud that the only other people in the building left, but we wouldn't have driven them out if they hadn't of given us dirty looks! The waitress laughed at Corey for his nails, and we had fun gossiping, discussing the horrors of prom, debating, and having kick ass toasts lol ..
8:00-8:20pm--> Got more pictures taken at Corey's house with Elaina and Jason, these ones turned out better lol :o), then we wasted more time ..
8:30pm--> Corey and I finally get into our gorgeous Cadillac, and drive by the school but there were no cars yet, so we drove around the block till 8:45 ..
8:45pm--> Corey and I drive by the school again, and ended up waiting in line for another hour just to get in. Not impressed lol ..
The rest of the night from like 9:40 till 11:30 was the prom. I wasted most of it sulking and crying lol, not my fault, but I don't care anyway. Prom wasn't that big of a deal to me, I would much rather have done my entrance and left lol.

After that, Mom and I drove Elaina home while she helped me get all the bobby pins out of my hair. That was interesting, and I headed out to Christie's to go to the party and Kaitlin's. Got a little drunk, not too bad, and then went back to Christie's and had fireworks. Drunk + Fireworks = Fun! Kelsey and I were the only people actually drunk at Chrsitie's so they had fun laughing at us! We stayed up till the sun came up lol, then got up at like 7:45 am when Kelsey got up to get ready for work.

So that was my prom. Not that anyone cared about all those times, but I know my family who reads this would have asked me later and I just saved the time now. So it's now like 10:00, and I still haven't slept. Spent a lot of the day on the computer and phone again. Woohoo for me lol. So I'm gonna go maybe sleep so that I'm not tired for graduation tomorrow, which I still can't believe is so close. I don't want to be done lol! So, I'm gonna go freak out over that actually instead of sleep!

Sorry Mom ..

2006-06-26T18:15:00.000-03:00

Alright, so typing this is gonna be a little bit rough, because I've got my stupid fake nails on for prom, so just bare with any typos I make, it hurts too much to go back and fix them.

So this morning I got up friggin early to go try on my dress and get my nails done. My dress is now as close to perfect as it's gonna get, and my nails are all done up nice (Shoot me now, too girly for me!). I went and bought my tiara type thingy, and I was all done. I even managed to get a job and I thought the day was going pretty good! Apparantly not. My mom comes home from work and starts freaking out. Earlier, I had gotten locked out of the house. It wasn't my fault none of the keys to my house worked, and to get inside it ended up that my neighbour had to crawl through my kitchen window, because I was too short to do so. My mom comes home pissed that he was in our house. It was the only way for me to get in! She starts yelling about how the house isn't clean and I should have cleaned it first. I WAS LOCKED OUTSIDE! What the hell! So she finally lets that go and moves onto my prom dress again. She pretty much starts crying while she's yelling about how upset she is that I'm gonna look ugly. I couldn't believe it. She was freaking out that I'm not tanned, or skinny as a rake, only this time she was crying. I told her that I was sorry, but I didn't want to go tanning, cuz it's bad for you and it's not worth it to me. Tans are of no use to me. I don't want skin cancer down the road, sorry, and just because you enjoy laying the sun doesn't mean I do! Then she yells about how I stopped going to the gym. Well so did she! She used to go with me, I didn't want to just go by myself. Now she's still bitching about how my prom pictures are gonna be horrible and all the relatives and gonna be upset. They can all get the hell over it. This is my prom, I'm gonna look how I want to look. Can't people understand that? I've barely eaten all month, because I was so worried I was making myself sick, and I actually did lose weight, now she's still telling me I'm fat. I really hate tanning, don't want cancer and tried to explain it to her, she says I'm pale and ugly. Look mom, I'm sorry you dropped out of school and didn't get to get all fancy for your prom, but I'm gonna look how I want for mine. I can't spend all this time looking how you wanted to for your prom. Get the hell over it ok?

Done With Her ..

2006-06-21T23:09:00.000-03:00

I think my mom actually hit an all time low today. She wouldn't come see me in my prom dress because she had to do laundry. It would have taken her a whole 2 minutes to come see me in the damn dress. I've worked pretty hard all year to fit into that dress, and it was a struggle, and she won't even come see me in it. Like seriously mom, are you really that ashamed of me that you won't come see me in it? I'm sorry that I'm not super skinny like you. I don't want to be anorexic like you are, I'm happy the way I am. I'm not as fat as you think I am, you know. I can't be perfect, I'm sick. I'm not allowed to excercise, it's obviously going to make me put a few pounds. Even now I'm only about 20 pounds over what I used to be, which was pretty normal. Just because you have such a distorted view of yourself, doesn't mean you need to force it onto me. I struggled with feeling fat my whole life, and I finally start to feel better about myself and you have to start calling me fat. You know what mom? I'm done with you. Never again am I listening to you tell me I'm good for nothing, or that I'm fat, or that I'm unnatural because I love my girlfriend, or even that you wish I had better marks in school. I'm the best person that I can be, no thanks to you. I quit smoking, and excessive drinking and drugs all by myself, before you even knew. I've tried my whole life to do everything for you, and make sure you're happy, only to be disappointment. Well guess what mom, I'm not gonna be your little disappointment anymore, because I'm not your daughter anymore.

Done ..

2006-06-21T14:10:00.000-03:00

Right, so today was my last high school exam ever. I am officially done high school. I'm not gonna lie to ya, I'm scared shitless. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I'm starting university next year, but I have no idea what I want to study. I have until the 6th to figure that out. That could be interesting. As of now, I'm thinking I might take French. Then I could be a French teacher, and I'd like that. Other than that, I have no idea what I'm going to do. This is not supposed to be over yet. I just want it all to start over again, I'd even deal with the stupid school right about now ..

Kaitlyn In Pain ..

2006-06-19T21:53:00.000-03:00

Riight, so a few of you might remember last year I got checked out for a bunch of stuff like ovarian cancer and junk cuz I had those major abdominal pains. It was first semester last year, and well it was bad. I spent a lot of time huddled in my room, curled up in a ball crying. Well, long story short, after testing for like 3 months, we never did find out what it was (surprise surprise), and well my doctor, being the pain-killer happy person he is, gave me some nice pain killers to take, and told me to just take them everyday and I wouldn't get them again. Two days ago I ran out of the nice pain-killers. I never really thought about it, kinda figured that after a year I shouldn't still have them. Apparantly I was wrong. They kinda hit me all at once at about 3:30 today, and well, it hit hard. I don't remember them being this bad, but oh man am I in pain. My mom says I can't have them back. Apparantly, they're on her list of drugs I never needed? I dunno about that. I'd like to see her live with this everyday. I figure I'm gonna live out the next few days, and see how they go. Maybe this is just my body going through withdrawal, maybe it'll go away. If not, I'm going and getting the damn pills, even if I have to pay for them myself. Even my damn tylenol 3's won't help at all. Anyways, for now, I'm out. Gonna go down a few more T3's and try to sleep. Wish me luck guys ..

Grad Beach Party

2006-06-15T20:12:00.000-03:00

Alrighty, so today was the grad beach party. Should be fun eh? Only problem is .. Dun dun dun .. It's freezing and raining out. That's right, the end of a hurricane to be exact. The vice principal had a vote, and pretty much everyone voted to go to the beach, well that didn't last long. After getting there, I figured I wanted to try to make the best of it, and got my stuff someplace almost dry, and ran towards the water. Swimming in water that cold has to be a sin, Jesus. I'm surprised I lasted the whole 5 minutes that I did, but when we got out, We were so numb that the wind and rain didn't bother us. It ended up being most people locked in the changing rooms with like five and six people to a room trying to keep warm, because they had said there was no way the busses could come back for like three hours. After like an hour there, the teachers got fed up with the cold and did another vote on if we wanted to go back, we won and went back, but we barely won. The guys and a few of the girls decided to go mudsliding while we waited, I decided that waiting in the changing room warmer and drier sounded good to me. Busses came, we went home, I was soaked and cold and shaking, end of story lol. So much for the beach party. It sucks that we missed it though. This year's grad activities commitee never did anything, and this was like our only grad thing. If the rest of the kids had been smart and voted to stay at the school and play volleyball we could have at least spent the whole afternoon there, but by the time we got back, everyone was so cold and wet they wanted to go home. So much for our party.

Award?

2006-06-14T23:31:00.000-03:00

Alright, so tonight was awards night at the school, and I got an award and didn't even know about it? Everyone else knew ahead of time and I'm not on any sports teams so I had no idea I should have been there, I've never gone before. Apparently I got some Math League thing. I still don't know what it was? I'm just a little pissed. All my years in high school and I never get a thing, and I missed my one opportunity to get one, and my mom's freaking out because this was the only time she would have gotten to get pictures of me getting an award on stage. I'd really like to know what the hell I did to get it though ..

Four Years Is Really Short ..

2006-06-11T19:51:00.000-03:00

*Warning - Major reminiscing ahead, if you don't wanna read something super sappy and sad, stop here. I had this random urge to write this all down, and it had to be done while I still could. You have been warned*

Alright, so I'm sitting here, having my stereotypical Sunday afternoon watching Rent, and resting, and all of a sudden it hits me really hard, This is my last week of high school. Can you say random crying attack? Jeez. I figured out, I'm pretty much done anyway, I mean English is over, and you can't study for the exam for English, and PAL/CALM, present my portfolio, then I'm done, Calculus, we're just doing exam review and well, I don't need the course, so I'm done. Scary shit. I've spent the last four years wishing my time in this hell hole was done, and now that it's here, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. High school was hell, but I had my share of good times along the way.
The majority of my friends started out with me in grade 9 four years ago. We walked into this "huge school" feeling so small (Especially me seeing as I was half everyone's height). The memories started there and never ended. Grade 9 had its ups and downs. Most of the guys I "dated" I'd like to forget, I had some friends I regret, hell I even almost got killed because a few people thought I was a homophobe. You don't know how hard it is to be accused of being a homophobe when you're me lol. Back then no one knew about me, but I just wanted to yell at them and tell them, that if they knew me at all I obviously wasn't.
Move up to grade 10. Friends were lost in many different ways, the dreaded Shawn relationship started, I gained some new friends which now are my stronghold, and it was one of the hardest years for me. At the age of fifteen I had already moved out into my grandparents house, because I knew my parents didn't want me, and I even knew they couldn't afford to keep me. Me being the ever helpful daughter agreed to move in with my Nan so that my brother could grow up never knowing that my parents were poor, and that they never wanted me. To this day, my little brother still thinks I stayed with Nan because I got to school faster in the mornings. He remains blissfully ignorant to every argument and struggle between my parents and I, and I plan to keep it that way. Grade 10 was the year I started struggling with myself too. The suicidal habits I'd had since I was 10 started to show, I started on drugs and alcohol, and my grades started dropping drastically. By the end of the year it was Shawn and I against the world, I ditched the amazing friends I have now because they were too "goody-goody" for me, and I regret that to this day. Maybe if I had at least tried to stay more in touch I might have made it through a little easier, but it's too late for that now. I even managed to attempt suicide, and have no one know. I woke up bloody and drugged up 12-14 hours later and no one ever knew any better, scars have healed, and cuts are gone, but it all still remains to this day. Somehow, I made it through the year and lived through the summer and made it to grade 11.
Grade 11 was almost a horrible repeat of grade 10. With Shawn and I still together, I was still too busy drinking and getting high to care about school, my parents were too stoned to care themselves, and my Nan never knew. I had a few scares, almost failed a few classes, almost had alcohol poisoning and then the problems with Shawn started. After a year and a half that relationship fell apart, and I was lost. The amazing friends I have now saved me, no lies. You guys don't know what you did for me. It started with Karly being the first one to comfort me, and by the end of the year we had a bond strong enough that I lived through the summer, even though it meant I lived half of it at home with my parents. I managed to pull through grade 11 passing everything, got to have an amazing trip to NYC with the best friends ever, and started back into a normal life. Thanks to these friends, I can say today that I haven't done drugs in over a year, and I never drink excessively anymore, thank God. After a rough summer at home, my parents and I decided that the only way for me to live at home was if they moved into town so that I could escape when needed, and for the first time I can remember my parents did something for me. At the very end of the year, I told a whole two people I wasn't straight, Sam and Elaina, which I knew was safe, obviously. After that, I knew I couldn't live another year of school denying myself, I had to be me.
Grade 12 has been both the most amazing and difficult year of my life. It started with my friends accepting me, and thank God they did, because my parents certainly didn't. With the support of you guys, I made it through and managed to convince my parents I wasn't a freak of nature. With Elaina gone, I got closer to Sam, and well we all know that story. Seeing as now the whole school knew, of course they wanted to make my life a living hell, but I had people behind me for the first time in my life, and it's been hilarious watching people's reactions to things. By Christmas, things had completely fallen apart again with my parents, and with a few of my friends, but the amazing ones held strong, and after Christmas break, I was introduced to the most amazing girl I have ever met in my life. Sure at the time, I would never have thought that things would end up like they are now, but well thank God they did. After a few months of struggles with old friends, I somehow managed to come through and ended up with the most amazing relationship of my life with the most gorgeous and sweet girl I've ever met, and I thank God everyday for her. Now, next thing I know, it's the end.
I've gone from the shy girl who walked into ARHS, never spoke a word unless someone made me and who ran out of school crying in the first week, to the girl I am today. I may still be shy in some meanings of the word, but I can really testify to the fact that the last 4 years did me some good in at least I'm not afraid of who I am, and I'm a much better person for it. Some of you guys probably never knew half of this stuff about me, and I don't really know what possessed me to write it all down, but I guess that that's my last 4 years in a nutshell. Sad that after all of this, I can write it all down so fast. Thanks to all of you for making me who I am today.

Family Life

2006-06-10T19:00:00.000-03:00

Alrighty guys, so I think I've finally got my family figured out. Kind of. Here's the deal, the last little while's been pretty good. Every once and a while my mother and I have our little freak outs with each other, and get over it, and everything's good after that. The freak outs come at random, but they're not that bad anymore, and lately at least seem to end with an "I'm sorry" from my mom at the end, so I guess that's a good thing. Seems for now, that as long as no one else's parents knows about me it's ok. She doesn't say anything really bad anymore, no more of this whole "well you're sure you're not straight?" kinda things, now it's just "well as long as no one I know finds out". You know like, as long as no one will ask her about it and there's no way anyone will look down on her for it. She convinced she'd be fired, but I'll let her keep thinking that for now if it'll keep her quiet. At the same time, she doesn't seem to care like she used to. The other day for instance we all know she left me passed out in the computer chair for an hour or so, and she's stopped taking me to the doctors' places, and today she dropped me home after the parish festival and told me she'd be home in a half hour. Well I got really dizzy a little while after and couldn't get up, and I guess I passed out, now this would have been at about 1:30-1:45. I came to at about 6:15 and came downstairs, my mom asked where I was, never even knew I was here! I was passed out for hours and she never even noticed. I guess if I had died up there they would have found me when my mom needed something out of my room? Who knows? Anyways, so I guess the way it goes for now, is yeah, be who you are, we won't stop you, but we won't support you either ..

Sick Of The World ..

2006-06-07T21:43:00.000-03:00

Ok, so lately the world has been making me sick. I no longer have any problem whatsoever with leaving ARHS, thank god those days are behind me. Sorry to my friends who will still be there next year, hopefully it'll all be over quick enough for you.

Sickening thing #1: ARHS Trash Talk
Ok, so what bored bastard made this? It's a forum, I won't post the link, where people spread rumors, talk shit about others and basically make fun of everyone. What kind of person does that? The stuff people are writing makes me sick. Making fun of some people who don't deserve it, spreading nasty rumors about people, making fun of friends of mine, and of course, when it comes to rumors I always get mentioned, so guess what rumor made it on there now? Of course. Hopefully this gets shut down soon so that people don't get upset over it.

Sickening thing #2: People in general in our school
Not only are people bored and stuck up enough to do things like the forum, but enough to just try and piss people off on purpose. Some of you know I had a little bit of a freak out the other day, if you know why, then you can tell why some people in our school piss me off, although right about now there is one person in particular. People are beginning to sink lower than low to get to other people, and to get revenge on people for stupid things. I dunno what the hell I ever did to most of the people in the school to piss them off, but you know what, TO HELL WITH YOU ALL, I'm gonna be out soon and you can talk about me all you want. Today I found out that not only ARHS likes to talk about me, but the kids at EBC. THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM. Jeez.

Sickening Thing #3: Adults in this town
Ok, so not only are the kids on the schools getting bad, but the adults in this town are getting ridiculous. I don't feel so bad about my parents anymore because I know I'm not the only one. My mom, is actually worried about losing her job because of me. That's fucking illegal and she knows it. She can't be fired just because I'm bisexual, really I say bring it on. SUE THEIR ASSES OFF. We'll be rich for the rest of our lives and I can live in peace thank you very much. I knew that the kids in school would spread rumors, but I would never have expected any self respecting adult to.

Anyways, that's enough from me for now. I know it's been a while since I had a real post, but there's nothing much to post about? I'll try to get into a real post after I get back from the stage band concert tomorrow, sweet dreams everyone!

B.C. Babay ..

2006-06-04T22:04:00.000-03:00

Just a short note for now guys. Today was one year since Brent's death. I'm not gonna lie to you all, I never really actually got over it, but oh well. I just needed to put this note out as a memory of him. R.I.P. B.C. Babay, the world loves and misses you buddy ..

This Year Went By So Fast ..

2006-06-03T14:11:00.000-03:00

So school is over in 11 days, then exams, prom, graduation and I'm done. Holy crap. That's nuts. It seems like just yesterday that I walked into ARHS with my old friends and got lost cuz it was "so big". Fast forward to today. New friends, new me. School seems so small. I'm no longer terrified of starting high school, but that I'm moving out and going to University in a few months. It seems like it was so silly to be afraid of ARHS. Jeez. This year has sped by so fast, some amazing things happened, some pretty crappy things have happened. I hate ARHS but you know what, I still don't wanna leave. Yeah, the teachers are all drunk, more than half the kids are stoned and the whole school is evil and vindictive, but right now, leaving scares the shit out of me. It's the same as my house. Yes my family drives me nuts. They don't support anything I do, hate my friends, are sometimes homophobic, but then there are times like this last week, when they've been amazing. I dunno what I want to do anymore, but I know that I've got 3 months till I'm out of my own. Scary eh?

Well Then .. Quiet Is A Good Thing Right?

2006-05-28T00:04:00.000-03:00

So .. I think I might actually be in the clear. See, some of you know that the other day during a heated argument with my mother .. Certain things that should never have been told to her might of just .. Slipped out .. Oops. Since then I've spent a lot of time waiting for the dreaded time that either she or my father would decide to FREAK OUT. Surprisingly, I've been home for 2 days straight, and DUN DUN DUN, nothing has been said. Totally a good thing. I'm assuming that this means that they're ok with it, I mean in the past when things have happened they didn't like, I heard about it. A lot. And they haven't said anything. And, Well, I guess that they finally came to terms with my not being straight? Thank God, because there was no way I could deal with it any longer! Anyways, enough my of my ramblings, as usual this probably doesn't make sense.
Oh yeah and .. Da Vinci Code tomorrow, Finally! Can't wait! :o) ..

Jessica and I's Crazy Post Of Death ..

2006-05-18T10:48:00.000-03:00

Alrighty, so in the attempts of trying to add Jessica and Danielle's names to my friends, we seem to have encountered a small problem. They don't wanna show up for some reason, and according to Mallory they might showup if we post, so EVIL POST OF DEATH .. Here you go Jessica ..

hi everyone, i'm typing on Kaitlyn's blog bahahahahaha......... kitty smells!!!! lol i smell soup........hey Mal they pulled a weehoo!!!! This is crazy fun... they have no idea what they/ve unleashed on the world!!! Muahahahahahahaha.......I rule ........ but i'm not crazy, I promise...... lalalalalalalalalala. Compared to me you're sane..... I heart you all lol except Megan........ peace.

Alrighty guys, I apologize for this but it had to be done ..

Avoid This .. Never .. Shifty Eyes

2006-05-16T16:34:00.000-03:00

Alrighty guys, so I might be avoiding posting actual things in here, but only for a little while. Honestly, I don't know much of what's going on right now and I wouldn't want to confuse all of you. So just be patient, and someday, soon I promise, I'll update with real news. Mmhmm, that's right, I will update .. I'll keep telling myself that ..

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

2006-05-13T19:01:00.001-03:00

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggle makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' it sweet time

[chorus]
No,life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life dont work that way

But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' its sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

*Yes guys, once again I am being cool enough to post song lyrics :P, Basically, Deal with it lol .. These ones are by Gary Allan!*

Good Day :)

2006-05-12T18:17:00.000-03:00

Wow, despite the whole PAL tennis factor, I actually managed to have a kickass day today. It's been one of the first in a long time. Pretty much, my classes all went good, firedrill in Calculus = very good thing (Yes the firedrills are still following me from the ABF!), Jeez I even got some good news today, which some of you know about, and if you don't there's probably a good reason for that. Anyways, I'm going to go enjoy my good mood that will probably not last long anyway:)

Random Rambles ..

2006-05-11T14:23:00.000-03:00

Alrighty, this is just a bunch of random things I wrote down while being pissed off in Calculus. I hope no one takes an offense to them, because hey, this is what I do when I'm upset.

Ok, so lately I thing I've been pissing some people off and for once, I don't care. I'm pretty sure that lately I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. When I go talk to any of my "friends" it feels like at least one person doesn't want me there. I don't feel like I can be myself except around a select few people, and they're never together.
It's like I have to choose friends. I really don't want to do that. Basically I give up.

Problem two, I wanna know what the hell is wrong with me. You know lately that's really been bugging me. It frustrates me because my doctor keeps brushing it off saying it's not important. Sorry but to me it is important that I know what's causing it. The actual lumps have shrunk, but I can still feel them. It hurts like hell to do physical activity. I don't want to think that I'm getting worse, but I'm scared that I could be. My mom keeps saying she's worried, but then she forgets about it until I'm in pain again.

I really can't wait till next year. I'll be able to make new friends, and there's no way in hell that I;m gonna make friends that aren't going to deal with who I am.

For the last month or so, I really rhought I was feeling better. I was less depressed and even thought I was happy. I wasn't doing bad at all, but apparently I just got so good at hiding it, I even hid it from myself ..

Rollercoastering

2006-05-10T15:08:00.000-03:00

Wow, lately I haven't been able to control my emotions at all. It's like no matter what I do I'm not feeling how I should. One minute, I'm fine and laughing and carrying on with friends, next I'm having a panic attack! Like today, all afternoon I had a ball with Sam, Carter and Marya, but then after I got out of Sam's car I had like a panic attack. Like right now I'm shaking so hard I can barely breathe. Jesus, I need my meds back, or to be better. That would be nice ..

Par-Tay lol

2006-05-07T21:55:00.000-03:00

So today was totally my birthday party, which like no one came to but hey the people who did, we had a sweet ass time! We hung around and watched some movies and ate lots of pizza and ice cream cake, which then we forgot about and it melted like crazy, but that was just funny lol. A bunch of people left early, but the four of us left stuck around till almost seven talking about how Jesus Loves The Homos! Lol, oh I love inside jokes :). Then Corey, Diane, Elaina and I went to Tim Hortons and pretty much that was it. Gist of the story, lots of gay/bi people together = fun :). Anyways, not much to update besides that, so see you guys tomorrow!

We Got Gold Baby!

2006-05-06T00:12:00.000-03:00

So after the most boring Halifax trip ever, we came out with another gold of course. We always do. Five flights of stairs 3 or 4 times though is very evil. Fire alarms are evil too. Everywhere we went they kept getting set off. Totally not cool. I hate flashing lights and loud sounds at the same. Reminds me of thunder and lightning. Gross. Eww. Never again. Anyways, just a real quick update, so ttyl!

Happy Birthday To Me .. But How Many More?

2006-05-04T14:17:00.000-03:00

Wow guys, another birthday. Eighteen sounds, old. I mean it sounds young, and old. I don't know. I know I'm terrified to know if I'll make it to my nineteenth, but I'm not gonna go there today. So new pretty layout:). I even fixed it all by myself! :) I = Proud of myself! I like it, it's a little plain, but I don't need something big and extravagent anyway right? Anyways, just a quick birthday post I guess ..

No More Hospitals Please! :'(

2006-05-02T21:04:00.000-03:00

Riight, so sorry to the whole two people who read this for neglecting it. Lately I've just been grumpy again. Pretty much, the growths are back. We really thought they were gone. We even waited for a while before making it official, and as soon as I think I'm fine, I'm in pain again. After the little bit I did in PAL today my legs hurt a lot. I can feel where they're going to come back in, and then by the end of the day carrying around my huge bookbag my right one hurt so much I could almost cry. I'm getting sick of this. I had to start pain killers again the other day. They're not really agreeing with me, I mean I don't like being on so many, they don't really mix well. Really, between scholarship junk, the death sickness, and calculus, I'm starting to get lost in myself, and with how bad my legs are getting, I'm starting to get more worried everyday. It's got to be something serious by now. I'm actually terrified that I'm going to get sick and in the hospital or die. Die. That sounds so scary. If I have to go to one more hospital I might just give up. I'm not even kidding. I'm sick of it. I can't deal with all the fucking stress of being sick anymore. Like seriously, Note to Kaitlyn's body : TELL HER IF YOU'RE DYING ALREADY!!!

What's That? Kaitlyn's .. HEALTHY?!?!

2006-04-24T21:03:00.000-03:00

Yes it's true, Kaitlyn is .. All Better!! No more Erythema Nodosum for me, no sirree! Hehehe, I feel, weird. It's been so long since I've been healthy that I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I should be celebrating. I think I will. CELEBRATION TIME. Lol, or not. I'll just be normal. For a little while. Well not normal, I'm not normal lol. But I'll be healthy :o). Weird .. Oh well .. Life goes on!

Wahoo!

2006-04-02T16:01:00.000-03:00

Hehe .. Kaitlyn finally has stories for you guys! I actually did something last night lol. So last night was capture the flag again. So we went out and had a blast, this time with Stan falling off a hill and me getting like surrounded at the flag lol, but this time after two games we went back to Jessica Sears' house. After a while people started slowly drifting away and it ended up at about 1:00 being just Alex, Jessica, Clarkson and me, who sat around for a couple hours gossiping lol, then Alex left and Jessica, Clarkson and I pulled an all nighter talking, gossiping and laughing at random drunk people on Andrea's webcam. All in all, I was supposed to be home before 1 and walked in the door at about 6:20 lol. Anyways, that's it for my exciting night, I'll see most of you guys at school in the morning!

I Know, I Know

2006-03-19T13:42:00.000-04:00

Once again and as happens a lot, I've been kind of maybe sort of neglecting my blog .. Oops. I've been posting more in my private one because for one nothing exciting has happened to me for anyone else to know anyway, and two well they're all bitching and complaining and I refuse to put you guys through the hell that is Kaitlyn complaining. Basically I know, they're weak excuses but hey, I gotta have some excuse right? As for my March Break? Unfortunately it was spent like any other break, at home, doing nothing. The only thing I did get to do was go to the open house and King's and go wedding shopping with my Aunt. Basically, boring March Break. Anyways, enough with the excuses and boringness, I promise I'll try to post more here!

Here We Go ..

2006-03-07T21:52:00.000-04:00

Alrighty guys .. I deleted a couple of posts off here .. I moved them to another *private* blog where no one can see them anymore. I guess that people actually read them and didn't like that they were public .. So if you noticed something missing .. It's on my private one now probably ..

Everyone!

2006-03-07T18:04:00.000-04:00

Everyone go http://warnerbros.eprize.net/harrypotter4/index.tbapp?method=display_hp4_question_selections&questionname=champion&email=kaitlyn.isaacs@gmail.com&session_id=8qmut061d7k3ii6w

There and vote for KaitlynI522 and I'll bring you guys if I win!!!! Which I won't but can't miss a chance anyway eh?

I Can't Believe It's Come To This ..

2006-03-02T16:02:00.001-04:00

Alright guys I'm gonna pull a Mallory and rant my ass off. I'm getting sick and tired of the bitching, complaining and backstabbing going on in our little group of "friends". Seriously, all of us have been guilty of it in the last little while, although some of us more than others. We're going back and forth between "alliances" and saying stuff and starting more fights. One minute we're saying we hate someone and the next they're our best friend. We're constantly on each other's backs and I'm sick of it. Seriously if you have a problem with someone say it to their face. Especially this me supposedly liking Christie bullshit. Come on guys, Grow up. Ask me. I'll tell you that it's ridiculous. She's my best friend. I'm sorry if we're close, but at the moment she's the only one I feel like I can talk to. She's like my sister. Just because I'm bi doesn't mean that I like every girl I get close to. I'm quite obviously not over Sam, I bitch about it everyday and yet you can still think I've moved on like that and like Christie. And my fucking love life is no more dramatic than a regular persons. The only difference is that people don't gossip about everyone else's life as much. So everyone get over it.

Blah

2006-02-27T16:09:00.000-04:00

Yeah so guys, I know I haven't done a lot of updating lately .. But see a little while back I wrote something that I actually felt and well .. It offended someone .. And lately all I've had to write are complaints or regrets. Regrets .. Such a long list of them too. I've been going back over some stuff I've written here/in my diary/quickwrites and well .. Lately everything I think and write about is my screwing up the one thing I wanted. If you don't know what that is then you obviously don't know me so don't bother. So yeah, basically I've been taking out all my complaints and regrets on my quickwrites and on Christie, therefore saving some of you the wrath of my depression. Sorry, And I'll try to find something to actually update on soon!

*Thinking back on things said and done, I can't believe that I waited so long to tell you, So long in fact that I drove you away..*

så man reder, så ligger man

2006-02-16T22:28:00.000-04:00

Riiight guys .. So officialy .. I've gone off the deep end. Kaitlyn needs to calm herself down. Have fun with me tomorrow guys .. TGIF ..

Jeg Elsker Deg, Min Kjaerlighet .. * Drøm søtt, min elskede *

Kaitlyn's Being A Geek Again ..

2006-02-14T22:23:00.000-04:00

Well guys .. Do me a favour .. Go here And do that for me .. K? Just cuz you love me :)

Secrets ..

2006-01-31T21:33:00.000-04:00

Dirty Little Secret

Let me know that I've done wrong
When I've known this all along
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you

Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret

Who has to know
When we live such fragile lives
It's the best way we survive
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you

Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret

Who has to know
The way she feels inside (inside)
Those thoughts I can't deny (deny)
These sleeping dogs won't lie (won't lie)
And now I try to lie
It's eating me apart
Trace this life out

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret)

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Dirty little secret
Dirty little secret

Who has to know
Who has to know

*Right I feel like a geek, posting song lyrics lol but I had to do it, it actually meant something and no Christie it has nothing to do with you lol*

Boring..

2006-01-08T15:54:00.000-04:00

Wow .. Lately I've been so bored I've taken to doing random surveys. So if you guys look over ----------> there .. There's a link to my survey's I've done in case anyone is bored enough to read them lol!

Troubles Galore

2006-01-06T22:21:00.000-04:00

* I'm warning you guys now this is all jumbled and probably won't make sense .. *

So guys, according to my mother I apparently have no morals. I have spent all week listening to her freak out 24/7 and I'm really getting sick of it. I swear I can't turn around without her finding something wrong with it. This time, all I was doing was talking on the damn phone. Seriously what's wrong with that. I'm like not allowed to have friends anymore. No matter where I go my mother thinks that I'm doing some wrong, and no matter who I talk to (except Christie) she hates them. Apparently now I'm just a high school screwing around not worrying about how other people feel, but that's funny I was always told that my problem was that I was spending too much time worrying about other people being happy and not myself. And apparently she doesn't want me here anymore. She thinks I'm getting myself into way too much trouble and that I'm asking for all the stuff I get into. You think I asked for all this shit then seriously you're messed up. Never in my life did I think I would end up as the person in school I pitied. My parents hate me, I can't escape anything anywhere I go and no matter what I do I'm pissing someone off. At school barely anyone talks to me unless it's to ask if I'm a lesbian. At home no one talks to me unless it's to yell at me for being the worst daughter ever. Even at work people only talk to me to get the latest gossip to go back to school and spread it again. I never get to go anywhere anymore except school and work. I'm so damn confused about all this. And don't even get me started about University next year. Christie and I were talking about that earlier and I really don't wanna go somewhere alone. I have a hard enough time making friends as it is. If someone doesn't hate me cuz I'm bi it's because I actually go to church and if it's not that they've heard of my history with suicide/depression and think I'm crazy. Like seriously I have no idea what's gonna happen next year. I don't wanna leave the few people here that I'm friends with. If I'm lucky I'll get to go to King's with Christie and Mallory, and Jen and Elaina are already in Halifax, but that's only a few of my friends and some of the ones I might lose touch with are the ones I can't see life without. Not to mention lately everything that I do lately is the stuff I swore I'd never do. It's getting pretty hard to fight back to my mom when she's starting to make sense. When did I start being the one who actually expressed how I felt when I knew it was gonna make more trouble. I was always so good at being able to suppress things that I knew would hurt other people but this year I just can't seem to do it. If I'm not scaring my family with a secret I've had for years I'm telling my friends things to confuse their lives more than they need that I knew I should have kept secret. My graduating year was supposed to be the best of my life but so far it's been pretty shitty. In one way I'd do almost anything to go back to when no one knew anything about me and I was kinda happy, I just had a few secrets but I can deal with that, but the other part of me knows I couldn't live with those secrets anymore without doing something drastic. I can't even sort out my feelings anymore. I'm so confused and depressed, but I just can't be upset around you guys and I feel like I;m fine for a while, then I come home and realize that all I've done is repressed for a little while longer to come back twice as bad. I've got to get some time to just stop and think and talk to some of you guys that these things are affecting. I know that some of you guys are hit harder by this than others and I'm really sorry for screwing things up for some of ya ..

Yay Mallory For Giving Me Something To Do :o)

2006-01-01T13:34:00.000-04:00

1.What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
Uhh .. Went to New York, Went to a decent concert, crowd surfed, finally told my friends about me, got glasses, moved into town, drove, yeah I'll stop now ..

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't do New Years resolutions very well .. They never get kept.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Brent :o(

5. What countries did you visit?
US .. Did I just admit that?

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
A better relationship with my family

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The whole New York trip (May 16-?), May 27 or somewhere around there when I went to Ontario, June 4, Brent's death.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Actually being myself without listening to what other people wanted me to be

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not saving what I should have for University

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Don't even get me started

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My mp3 player maybe? No wait .. Definitely CSI!

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Uhhh .. My grandmother's, she finally stood up for herself

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Once again, don't get me started

14. Where did most of your money go?
Food lol, or electronics

15. What did you get really excited about?
New York, Ontario

16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
Anything from Rent of Phantom

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
Sadder, don't ask why, I just am ..

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Getting out of the house

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Being in hospitals

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Pfft

21. Did you fall in love in 2005?
Do we have to go there?

23. How many one-night stands?
I don't do one night stands

24. What was your favorite TV program?CSI

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
My family out west

26. What was the best book you read?
Harry Potter

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I dunno

28. What did you want and get?
Mp3 player

29. What did you want and not get?
Lots of things

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
RENT :oD

31. What did you do on your birthday?
Karly made me cake, other than that, nothing

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Spending more time with friends

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
Yeah I don't have a fashion concept, first thing I see in the morning ..

34. What kept you sane?
A few of my friends

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Eric Szmanda (GREG!)

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay marriage

37. Who do you miss?
Zac, Jen, Maddy, Farran, yeah all my church buddies

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Probably Holly

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005.
Not to listen to what other people want you to be, be yourself no matter who says what, those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter ..

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today