Miss Me When I'm Gone ..

Graduation and Safegrad

So, it's official, Kaitlyn is now graduated from high school. Scary eh? Graduation went by without a hitch, I got a $500 bursary from the Harrison's (Who go to my church lol), and well I didn't get honours like I would have liked to, but that's ok. I'll deal with it. I passed Calculus (Woohoo!) with a 57% haha, and got a 45% on the exam. Go me. At least it's over and I passed it. Makes things easier. After graduation and my crying fits (I had many, too many people just kept making me cry lol) we headed out to safegrad at Crystal Palace. Took forever to leave cuz one of the teachers kept counting the people on the bus wrong, but once Mr. Balcom cleared that up we were on our way. When I got there and found my friends, we fought like hell for pizza, it was every man for himself, and a riot because there were only two pieces each. Oh well, not a big deal. Then after that we started on all of our rides, and then the arcade, and then rides again, until 4am. It was awesome. We were still wired at 4 am lol, so the ride home Cody and I talked about many different things, and then Christie came over to my house afterwards, where I quickly calmed down and fell asleep whilst watching Rent. Yay for sleep. Even though I still haven't had a full 8 hours, those few hours were awesome lol. It at least gave me a bit of rest, now I just have to get my sleep schedule semi normal and I'll be good lol. So tomorrow is Canada day, then I get to sleep Sunday, and I start work Monday. Lovely.

Dear Me..

K, so I had a writing challenge from a friend the other day, and it was to write a conversation between me and my five year old self. I kinda got pretty far into it, and it turned into another of my life stories, so I decided to post it.
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Kaitlyn: 18 year old me
Kaitlyn Ashley: 5 year old me
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Kaitlyn: Hey kiddo, how ya doin?

Kaitlyn Ashley: Umm, my mommy says not to talk to strangers ..

Kaitlyn: I promise ya kid, I ain’t no stranger .. In a couple of years you know me pretty well
actually ..

Kaitlyn Ashley: Promise?

Kaitlyn: Promise.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Ok! So what’s your name?

Kaitlyn: The name’s Kaitlyn.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Really? My name’s Kaitlyn Ashley, it’s kinda like yours ..

Kaitlyn: Yeah, trust me, that Kaitlyn Ashley stuff won’t last long, before ya know it, the only person who ever calls you that will be Nanny.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Nanny? I like her. She buys me candy and stuff when mommy and daddy won’t.

Kaitlyn: Yeah, I know. Stick to her kid. Someday she’s gonna be your saviour.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Saviour? What’s that? You mean like at church? I thought Jesus is my saviour?

Kaitlyn: Oh yeah, Nan’s just started taking you into real church now eh?

Kaitlyn Ashley: Yeah! It’s real fun, and if I sit through the whole speeches I get fruit snacks!

Kaitlyn: Haha yeah, I remember that now? Well yeah, I guess for now you can say Jesus is your saviour, but someday you might change your mind, I don’t exactly know yet?

Kaitlyn Ashley: Ok. Is Nanny always gonna buy me candy.

Kaitlyn: Haha, yep, until you’re about 13. Then you’re not gonna want candy anymore. She’ll start buying you pretty clothes and junk like that.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Clothes? Why would I want clothes?

Kaitlyn: Just trust me on this one, someday you will.

Kaitlyn Ashley: But why?

Kaitlyn: Don’t worry about it. You don’t need to know yet. Just someday, remember to treat Nan right ok? She’s always gonna be there for you, and when you need somewhere to go, she’ll let you live there, and someday you will.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Live with Nanny, why, where are mommy and daddy going?

Kaitlyn: No where. Don’t worry about it. They’ll be fine.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Promise?

Kaitlyn: Promise. Wow, I started early with this whole promise thing, did I never trust anyone?

Kaitlyn Ashley: Huh?

Kaitlyn: Nothing kid, sorry. Shouldn’t you go out and play?

Kaitlyn Ashley: Well I want to, but Lori’s the only kid who’ll play with me, and she’s gone to school, but she says that after today she gets to stay home for the whole summer! And mommy says that in the fall I get to go to school too!

Kaitlyn: Yeah, you do, and you’ll have fun. And don’t worry about those other kids; later on you’ll be glad they don’t play with you.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Ok. But I wish they’d play for a little while. I get really lonely when Lori’s gone.

Kaitlyn: Well is daddy home?

Kaitlyn Ashley: Yeah, he’s always home, not like mommy who goes to work everyday, but he doesn’t wanna play right now.

Kaitlyn: I tell ya what, I betcha if you walk inside and look all sad he’ll come play, and take advantage of every minute you have with him and mommy, some day you’ll be glad you did now while they still talk to you.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Really?

Kaitlyn: Yeah, and that whole sad look thing is always gonna work on everyone, cuz you’re always gonna be the short little kid who looks innocent, but you won’t be innocent, that’s for sure.

Kaitlyn Ashley: The other kids say I’m too short to play real games. Is that true?

Kaitlyn: For now it is, and you’ll never get tall, sorry to break it to ya sweetheart, but you’re always gonna be littler than everyone else.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Oh. Will they still laugh at me for it?

Kaitlyn: Kinda, but they’re only joking, don’t take it to heart.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Ok, and Jeff says that I have to kiss him, do I really have to?

Kaitlyn: You don’t have to, but you will. The other kids are gonna tease you until you do, and it’s gonna feel weird, but just ignore it. He’s not right for you anyway. Kid, you’re gonna do a lot of stupid stuff with him in the next year, and get in a lot of trouble, but don’t worry about it. He’s gonna leave eventually anyway.

Kaitlyn Ashley: He’s gonna leave? So will he stop teasing me and making me do things that I really don’t wanna?

Kaitlyn: Yeah, in a few years he will.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Good, cuz he makes me do some stuff that makes me uncomfortable.

Kaitlyn: Yeah, I know, but hang in there kid. A lot of people are gonna do that to you, and a lot of people are gonna make you do things you don’t wanna, or take advantage of you. Just
keep your chin up and remember you’re better than them.

Kaitlyn Ashley: You sure seem to know a lot, how?

Kaitlyn: I’ve been there and done it all sweetheart, and someday you will too. In fact, in about 13 years you’re gonna be just like me.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Really? You’re cool I guess. Will Lori still play with me?

Kaitlyn: Sorry to tell ya kid, but no she won’t. In fact, you two don’t have much time left together.

Kaitlyn Ashley: But she’s my best friend!

Kaitlyn: For now. Don’t worry, someday you’re gonna have the most amazing friends a person could ever have.

Kaitlyn Ashley: But no Lori?

Kaitlyn: But no Lori.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Oh.

Kaitlyn: Just play with her for now, and have fun.

Kaitlyn Ashley: K. So when do I meet my new friends?

Kaitlyn: Well it’s gonna be rough for a while. When you start school you’ll meet a few friends, but they’ll never really treat you right. They’re gonna tell you that you’re no good, but don’t listen to ‘em ok? Most of them will leave you alone after a while. One of them is gonna be your friend for a long time, her name’s Robyn, and she’ll be nice to you until you guys get old enough to start to understand the real world.

Kaitlyn Ashley: The real world? What’s that like?

Kaitlyn: Trust me kid, you don’t wanna know yet. But that girl, stick to her like glue too. She’ll help you a lot for a while.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Robyn. Ok. I can remember that.

Kaitlyn: Alright, but do me a favour. When you two grow up and she starts being mean, don’t take it to heart. What she says won’t matter in a few years, and you’ll have more friends.

Kaitlyn Ashley: K. Do you know everything that will happen to me?

Kaitlyn: I know everything up till the time you’re done high school.

Kaitlyn Ashley: So can you tell me some stuff?

Kaitlyn: Maybe, what do you wanna know?

Kaitlyn Ashley: Are mommy and daddy gonna split up like Jamie’s mommy and daddy did? Cuz they did and Jamie has to move.

Kaitlyn: Naw, they’ll stay together, but they won’t always be here for ya. Spend all the time with them that you can now, cuz someday they’re gonna stop being nice.

Kaitlyn Ashley: But mommy said that mommies and daddies love their kids forever.

Kaitlyn: Yeah, she did didn’t she. Well I’m sure they still love me somewhere deep inside, they’re just too ashamed to admit it ..

Kaitlyn Ashley: Love you, no they love me, not you!

Kaitlyn: Right, that’s what I meant.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Good. But why do they stop being nice to me?

Kaitlyn: Someday you’re gonna realize you’re different, and while everyone else is off with their boyfriends, you’re gonna wonder why you keep thinking about some of the girls you see, but you’ll still have boyfriends too.

Kaitlyn Ashley: What do you mean?

Kaitlyn: Don’t worry about it, but never be ashamed of who you are. Just because you won’t always date guys doesn’t mean you’re wrong.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Date guys? Eww, why would anyone do that?

Kaitlyn: Haha, wow, exactly. Keep thinking like that.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Do I have to date guys?

Kaitlyn: Yup. You’ll still be scared of who you are, and some of them are gonna treat you bad, but you’ll learn from them all. Just do me a favour, don’t listen to when they put you down either. Don’t listen to anyone who puts you down. You’ll be a pretty good kid, and they’ll have no reason to say what they say. And when Jon starts hitting you, leave him, and when you see him again at church he’s gonna say a lot of stuff about how you don’t deserve to live, and stuff like that, just walk away, you’ll be proud of yourself later for it.

Kaitlyn Ashley: K, I don’t think I’ll remember this all ..

Kaitlyn: That’s ok, you’ve gotta experience it all to be who you will be, I just need to get it off my chest for now.

Kaitlyn Ashley: K, well you said I’ll look at girls too, what do you mean?

Kaitlyn: Well you don’t know it yet kid, but you’re gonna date girls too. In fact, you’re gonna
meet the most amazing girl in the world, and when you do, don’t be afraid to tell her you love her. She’s gonna be the best thing to ever happen to you, and she’ll make all the stuff everyone ever said go away, and you’ll never feel worthless again.

Kaitlyn Ashley: K, but mommy says that girls can’t date girls.

Kaitlyn: Yeah, she’ll always tell you that, but someday she’ll come around, and just don’t listen to what she says. A lot of people will say you can’t date her, and give you hell. Some of your friends will decide to stop talking to you, some of them already did when you told them you weren’t straight, but don’t worry about it. She’s worth it, and you’ll never once regret any of it. She’s gonna be that person you know you can always trust with anything, and can always run to. She’s gonna be the one that saves you from yourself and reminds you that life’s worth living ..

Kaitlyn Ashley: What are you talking about?

Kaitlyn: Oh, uhh sorry kiddo, I kinda started rambling there didn’t I, you’ll start doing that soon, and you’ll probably never break the habit, but don’t worry about it, the point is you’ll love her and just go with it, don’t over analyze it k?

Kaitlyn Ashley: Uhh k. So will I have lots of friends to play with?

Kaitlyn: Heh, about that, you’re always gonna be different than everyone else, and people aren’t gonna like it, but that’s ok. You don’t need everyone to like you anyways, and you’ll have amazing friends who care about you. They’ll support you through anything, and hold onto them.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Cool. Am I gonna be a good girl?

Kaitlyn: Well, for a while it’s gonna look like you’re not gonna be. A couple of those bad guys and friends I told you about earlier are gonna get you into some trouble. Drugs and drinking will seem more important than school and family, but you’ll never do anything too bad, and you’ll never get caught. Eventually, after one of those guys leaves you, those awesome friends will help you out of it all, and you’ll clean up your act.

Kaitlyn Ashley: I’ll never drink or be bad, Lori and I swore we never would!

Kaitlyn: Yeah, you’ll swear with a couple of other kids too, but you’ll be so depressed and suicidal you’ll do anything to make you feel better ..

Kaitlyn Ashley: What does depressed and suicidal mean?

Kaitlyn: Don’t worry about it, you’ll soon enough.

Kaitlyn Ashley: When?

Kaitlyn: Well when you’re about 10 it’ll start.

Kaitlyn Ashley: Ok.

Kaitlyn: Look kiddo, I wish I could tell ya life would be easy, you’d just drift through it all happy and not know the difference, but it’s just not gonna work that way. You’re gonna have a rough time, there’s no way around it, but it’s gonna make you strong, and make you who you are. Just remember through it all that you’re better than they say, and you can do anything.

Kaitlyn Ashley: But if it’s going to be so hard why can’t I just skip it all?

Kaitlyn: If only it was that easy kid, if only ..

Prom

Wow, so prom is over guys. Most of my friends went who could, and a few *cough**cough*CHRISTIE*cough**cough* stayed home because they wanted to, but that's ok I guess. My run down of yesterday basically goes like this ..

7:30am--> Wake up .. For a hair appointment at 1:00pm .. Smart mom ..
8:30am--> Run to school to drop off flute, then to Nan's to wait till 1:00
8:30-12:30--> Wasting time trying on my dress one last time, computer, on the phone for quite a long while ..
12:30pm--> Mom drives Nan and I out to the hairdressers, and the hell begins ..
1:00pm-2:45pm--> Got my hair done .. Almost two hours, I've always hated my hair, I hate it even more now lol ..
2:45pm--> Call cab, head straight to my makeup appointment .. Cuz I just looove makeup ..
3:00pm--> Got my makeup done, got my rose (I will get you back, you know I will ..), Walked downtown in my sweatsuit with my hair all done up with my tiara and makeup done .. How sexy is that lol
4:00-5:00pm--> Started wasting more time until I had to get ready to go get pictures taken ..
5:00pm--> Pick up Corey, go to the museum ..
5:30pm--> Pictures with Elaina and Jason at the museum .. Bugs were horrible, I got bitten to pieces, was not impressed ..
6:00-7:45pm--> Loon Onn for food, we had such a blast, we were talking so loud that the only other people in the building left, but we wouldn't have driven them out if they hadn't of given us dirty looks! The waitress laughed at Corey for his nails, and we had fun gossiping, discussing the horrors of prom, debating, and having kick ass toasts lol ..
8:00-8:20pm--> Got more pictures taken at Corey's house with Elaina and Jason, these ones turned out better lol :o), then we wasted more time ..
8:30pm--> Corey and I finally get into our gorgeous Cadillac, and drive by the school but there were no cars yet, so we drove around the block till 8:45 ..
8:45pm--> Corey and I drive by the school again, and ended up waiting in line for another hour just to get in. Not impressed lol ..
The rest of the night from like 9:40 till 11:30 was the prom. I wasted most of it sulking and crying lol, not my fault, but I don't care anyway. Prom wasn't that big of a deal to me, I would much rather have done my entrance and left lol.

After that, Mom and I drove Elaina home while she helped me get all the bobby pins out of my hair. That was interesting, and I headed out to Christie's to go to the party and Kaitlin's. Got a little drunk, not too bad, and then went back to Christie's and had fireworks. Drunk + Fireworks = Fun! Kelsey and I were the only people actually drunk at Chrsitie's so they had fun laughing at us! We stayed up till the sun came up lol, then got up at like 7:45 am when Kelsey got up to get ready for work.

So that was my prom. Not that anyone cared about all those times, but I know my family who reads this would have asked me later and I just saved the time now. So it's now like 10:00, and I still haven't slept. Spent a lot of the day on the computer and phone again. Woohoo for me lol. So I'm gonna go maybe sleep so that I'm not tired for graduation tomorrow, which I still can't believe is so close. I don't want to be done lol! So, I'm gonna go freak out over that actually instead of sleep!

Sorry Mom ..

Alright, so typing this is gonna be a little bit rough, because I've got my stupid fake nails on for prom, so just bare with any typos I make, it hurts too much to go back and fix them.

So this morning I got up friggin early to go try on my dress and get my nails done. My dress is now as close to perfect as it's gonna get, and my nails are all done up nice (Shoot me now, too girly for me!). I went and bought my tiara type thingy, and I was all done. I even managed to get a job and I thought the day was going pretty good! Apparantly not. My mom comes home from work and starts freaking out. Earlier, I had gotten locked out of the house. It wasn't my fault none of the keys to my house worked, and to get inside it ended up that my neighbour had to crawl through my kitchen window, because I was too short to do so. My mom comes home pissed that he was in our house. It was the only way for me to get in! She starts yelling about how the house isn't clean and I should have cleaned it first. I WAS LOCKED OUTSIDE! What the hell! So she finally lets that go and moves onto my prom dress again. She pretty much starts crying while she's yelling about how upset she is that I'm gonna look ugly. I couldn't believe it. She was freaking out that I'm not tanned, or skinny as a rake, only this time she was crying. I told her that I was sorry, but I didn't want to go tanning, cuz it's bad for you and it's not worth it to me. Tans are of no use to me. I don't want skin cancer down the road, sorry, and just because you enjoy laying the sun doesn't mean I do! Then she yells about how I stopped going to the gym. Well so did she! She used to go with me, I didn't want to just go by myself. Now she's still bitching about how my prom pictures are gonna be horrible and all the relatives and gonna be upset. They can all get the hell over it. This is my prom, I'm gonna look how I want to look. Can't people understand that? I've barely eaten all month, because I was so worried I was making myself sick, and I actually did lose weight, now she's still telling me I'm fat. I really hate tanning, don't want cancer and tried to explain it to her, she says I'm pale and ugly. Look mom, I'm sorry you dropped out of school and didn't get to get all fancy for your prom, but I'm gonna look how I want for mine. I can't spend all this time looking how you wanted to for your prom. Get the hell over it ok?

Done With Her ..

I think my mom actually hit an all time low today. She wouldn't come see me in my prom dress because she had to do laundry. It would have taken her a whole 2 minutes to come see me in the damn dress. I've worked pretty hard all year to fit into that dress, and it was a struggle, and she won't even come see me in it. Like seriously mom, are you really that ashamed of me that you won't come see me in it? I'm sorry that I'm not super skinny like you. I don't want to be anorexic like you are, I'm happy the way I am. I'm not as fat as you think I am, you know. I can't be perfect, I'm sick. I'm not allowed to excercise, it's obviously going to make me put a few pounds. Even now I'm only about 20 pounds over what I used to be, which was pretty normal. Just because you have such a distorted view of yourself, doesn't mean you need to force it onto me. I struggled with feeling fat my whole life, and I finally start to feel better about myself and you have to start calling me fat. You know what mom? I'm done with you. Never again am I listening to you tell me I'm good for nothing, or that I'm fat, or that I'm unnatural because I love my girlfriend, or even that you wish I had better marks in school. I'm the best person that I can be, no thanks to you. I quit smoking, and excessive drinking and drugs all by myself, before you even knew. I've tried my whole life to do everything for you, and make sure you're happy, only to be disappointment. Well guess what mom, I'm not gonna be your little disappointment anymore, because I'm not your daughter anymore.

Done ..

Right, so today was my last high school exam ever. I am officially done high school. I'm not gonna lie to ya, I'm scared shitless. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I'm starting university next year, but I have no idea what I want to study. I have until the 6th to figure that out. That could be interesting. As of now, I'm thinking I might take French. Then I could be a French teacher, and I'd like that. Other than that, I have no idea what I'm going to do. This is not supposed to be over yet. I just want it all to start over again, I'd even deal with the stupid school right about now ..

Kaitlyn In Pain ..

Riight, so a few of you might remember last year I got checked out for a bunch of stuff like ovarian cancer and junk cuz I had those major abdominal pains. It was first semester last year, and well it was bad. I spent a lot of time huddled in my room, curled up in a ball crying. Well, long story short, after testing for like 3 months, we never did find out what it was (surprise surprise), and well my doctor, being the pain-killer happy person he is, gave me some nice pain killers to take, and told me to just take them everyday and I wouldn't get them again. Two days ago I ran out of the nice pain-killers. I never really thought about it, kinda figured that after a year I shouldn't still have them. Apparantly I was wrong. They kinda hit me all at once at about 3:30 today, and well, it hit hard. I don't remember them being this bad, but oh man am I in pain. My mom says I can't have them back. Apparantly, they're on her list of drugs I never needed? I dunno about that. I'd like to see her live with this everyday. I figure I'm gonna live out the next few days, and see how they go. Maybe this is just my body going through withdrawal, maybe it'll go away. If not, I'm going and getting the damn pills, even if I have to pay for them myself. Even my damn tylenol 3's won't help at all. Anyways, for now, I'm out. Gonna go down a few more T3's and try to sleep. Wish me luck guys ..

Grad Beach Party

Alrighty, so today was the grad beach party. Should be fun eh? Only problem is .. Dun dun dun .. It's freezing and raining out. That's right, the end of a hurricane to be exact. The vice principal had a vote, and pretty much everyone voted to go to the beach, well that didn't last long. After getting there, I figured I wanted to try to make the best of it, and got my stuff someplace almost dry, and ran towards the water. Swimming in water that cold has to be a sin, Jesus. I'm surprised I lasted the whole 5 minutes that I did, but when we got out, We were so numb that the wind and rain didn't bother us. It ended up being most people locked in the changing rooms with like five and six people to a room trying to keep warm, because they had said there was no way the busses could come back for like three hours. After like an hour there, the teachers got fed up with the cold and did another vote on if we wanted to go back, we won and went back, but we barely won. The guys and a few of the girls decided to go mudsliding while we waited, I decided that waiting in the changing room warmer and drier sounded good to me. Busses came, we went home, I was soaked and cold and shaking, end of story lol. So much for the beach party. It sucks that we missed it though. This year's grad activities commitee never did anything, and this was like our only grad thing. If the rest of the kids had been smart and voted to stay at the school and play volleyball we could have at least spent the whole afternoon there, but by the time we got back, everyone was so cold and wet they wanted to go home. So much for our party.

Award?

Alright, so tonight was awards night at the school, and I got an award and didn't even know about it? Everyone else knew ahead of time and I'm not on any sports teams so I had no idea I should have been there, I've never gone before. Apparently I got some Math League thing. I still don't know what it was? I'm just a little pissed. All my years in high school and I never get a thing, and I missed my one opportunity to get one, and my mom's freaking out because this was the only time she would have gotten to get pictures of me getting an award on stage. I'd really like to know what the hell I did to get it though ..

Four Years Is Really Short ..

*Warning - Major reminiscing ahead, if you don't wanna read something super sappy and sad, stop here. I had this random urge to write this all down, and it had to be done while I still could. You have been warned*

Alright, so I'm sitting here, having my stereotypical Sunday afternoon watching Rent, and resting, and all of a sudden it hits me really hard, This is my last week of high school. Can you say random crying attack? Jeez. I figured out, I'm pretty much done anyway, I mean English is over, and you can't study for the exam for English, and PAL/CALM, present my portfolio, then I'm done, Calculus, we're just doing exam review and well, I don't need the course, so I'm done. Scary shit. I've spent the last four years wishing my time in this hell hole was done, and now that it's here, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. High school was hell, but I had my share of good times along the way.
The majority of my friends started out with me in grade 9 four years ago. We walked into this "huge school" feeling so small (Especially me seeing as I was half everyone's height). The memories started there and never ended. Grade 9 had its ups and downs. Most of the guys I "dated" I'd like to forget, I had some friends I regret, hell I even almost got killed because a few people thought I was a homophobe. You don't know how hard it is to be accused of being a homophobe when you're me lol. Back then no one knew about me, but I just wanted to yell at them and tell them, that if they knew me at all I obviously wasn't.
Move up to grade 10. Friends were lost in many different ways, the dreaded Shawn relationship started, I gained some new friends which now are my stronghold, and it was one of the hardest years for me. At the age of fifteen I had already moved out into my grandparents house, because I knew my parents didn't want me, and I even knew they couldn't afford to keep me. Me being the ever helpful daughter agreed to move in with my Nan so that my brother could grow up never knowing that my parents were poor, and that they never wanted me. To this day, my little brother still thinks I stayed with Nan because I got to school faster in the mornings. He remains blissfully ignorant to every argument and struggle between my parents and I, and I plan to keep it that way. Grade 10 was the year I started struggling with myself too. The suicidal habits I'd had since I was 10 started to show, I started on drugs and alcohol, and my grades started dropping drastically. By the end of the year it was Shawn and I against the world, I ditched the amazing friends I have now because they were too "goody-goody" for me, and I regret that to this day. Maybe if I had at least tried to stay more in touch I might have made it through a little easier, but it's too late for that now. I even managed to attempt suicide, and have no one know. I woke up bloody and drugged up 12-14 hours later and no one ever knew any better, scars have healed, and cuts are gone, but it all still remains to this day. Somehow, I made it through the year and lived through the summer and made it to grade 11.
Grade 11 was almost a horrible repeat of grade 10. With Shawn and I still together, I was still too busy drinking and getting high to care about school, my parents were too stoned to care themselves, and my Nan never knew. I had a few scares, almost failed a few classes, almost had alcohol poisoning and then the problems with Shawn started. After a year and a half that relationship fell apart, and I was lost. The amazing friends I have now saved me, no lies. You guys don't know what you did for me. It started with Karly being the first one to comfort me, and by the end of the year we had a bond strong enough that I lived through the summer, even though it meant I lived half of it at home with my parents. I managed to pull through grade 11 passing everything, got to have an amazing trip to NYC with the best friends ever, and started back into a normal life. Thanks to these friends, I can say today that I haven't done drugs in over a year, and I never drink excessively anymore, thank God. After a rough summer at home, my parents and I decided that the only way for me to live at home was if they moved into town so that I could escape when needed, and for the first time I can remember my parents did something for me. At the very end of the year, I told a whole two people I wasn't straight, Sam and Elaina, which I knew was safe, obviously. After that, I knew I couldn't live another year of school denying myself, I had to be me.
Grade 12 has been both the most amazing and difficult year of my life. It started with my friends accepting me, and thank God they did, because my parents certainly didn't. With the support of you guys, I made it through and managed to convince my parents I wasn't a freak of nature. With Elaina gone, I got closer to Sam, and well we all know that story. Seeing as now the whole school knew, of course they wanted to make my life a living hell, but I had people behind me for the first time in my life, and it's been hilarious watching people's reactions to things. By Christmas, things had completely fallen apart again with my parents, and with a few of my friends, but the amazing ones held strong, and after Christmas break, I was introduced to the most amazing girl I have ever met in my life. Sure at the time, I would never have thought that things would end up like they are now, but well thank God they did. After a few months of struggles with old friends, I somehow managed to come through and ended up with the most amazing relationship of my life with the most gorgeous and sweet girl I've ever met, and I thank God everyday for her. Now, next thing I know, it's the end.
I've gone from the shy girl who walked into ARHS, never spoke a word unless someone made me and who ran out of school crying in the first week, to the girl I am today. I may still be shy in some meanings of the word, but I can really testify to the fact that the last 4 years did me some good in at least I'm not afraid of who I am, and I'm a much better person for it. Some of you guys probably never knew half of this stuff about me, and I don't really know what possessed me to write it all down, but I guess that that's my last 4 years in a nutshell. Sad that after all of this, I can write it all down so fast. Thanks to all of you for making me who I am today.

Family Life

Alrighty guys, so I think I've finally got my family figured out. Kind of. Here's the deal, the last little while's been pretty good. Every once and a while my mother and I have our little freak outs with each other, and get over it, and everything's good after that. The freak outs come at random, but they're not that bad anymore, and lately at least seem to end with an "I'm sorry" from my mom at the end, so I guess that's a good thing. Seems for now, that as long as no one else's parents knows about me it's ok. She doesn't say anything really bad anymore, no more of this whole "well you're sure you're not straight?" kinda things, now it's just "well as long as no one I know finds out". You know like, as long as no one will ask her about it and there's no way anyone will look down on her for it. She convinced she'd be fired, but I'll let her keep thinking that for now if it'll keep her quiet. At the same time, she doesn't seem to care like she used to. The other day for instance we all know she left me passed out in the computer chair for an hour or so, and she's stopped taking me to the doctors' places, and today she dropped me home after the parish festival and told me she'd be home in a half hour. Well I got really dizzy a little while after and couldn't get up, and I guess I passed out, now this would have been at about 1:30-1:45. I came to at about 6:15 and came downstairs, my mom asked where I was, never even knew I was here! I was passed out for hours and she never even noticed. I guess if I had died up there they would have found me when my mom needed something out of my room? Who knows? Anyways, so I guess the way it goes for now, is yeah, be who you are, we won't stop you, but we won't support you either ..

Sick Of The World ..

Ok, so lately the world has been making me sick. I no longer have any problem whatsoever with leaving ARHS, thank god those days are behind me. Sorry to my friends who will still be there next year, hopefully it'll all be over quick enough for you.

Sickening thing #1: ARHS Trash Talk
Ok, so what bored bastard made this? It's a forum, I won't post the link, where people spread rumors, talk shit about others and basically make fun of everyone. What kind of person does that? The stuff people are writing makes me sick. Making fun of some people who don't deserve it, spreading nasty rumors about people, making fun of friends of mine, and of course, when it comes to rumors I always get mentioned, so guess what rumor made it on there now? Of course. Hopefully this gets shut down soon so that people don't get upset over it.

Sickening thing #2: People in general in our school
Not only are people bored and stuck up enough to do things like the forum, but enough to just try and piss people off on purpose. Some of you know I had a little bit of a freak out the other day, if you know why, then you can tell why some people in our school piss me off, although right about now there is one person in particular. People are beginning to sink lower than low to get to other people, and to get revenge on people for stupid things. I dunno what the hell I ever did to most of the people in the school to piss them off, but you know what, TO HELL WITH YOU ALL, I'm gonna be out soon and you can talk about me all you want. Today I found out that not only ARHS likes to talk about me, but the kids at EBC. THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM. Jeez.

Sickening Thing #3: Adults in this town
Ok, so not only are the kids on the schools getting bad, but the adults in this town are getting ridiculous. I don't feel so bad about my parents anymore because I know I'm not the only one. My mom, is actually worried about losing her job because of me. That's fucking illegal and she knows it. She can't be fired just because I'm bisexual, really I say bring it on. SUE THEIR ASSES OFF. We'll be rich for the rest of our lives and I can live in peace thank you very much. I knew that the kids in school would spread rumors, but I would never have expected any self respecting adult to.

Anyways, that's enough from me for now. I know it's been a while since I had a real post, but there's nothing much to post about? I'll try to get into a real post after I get back from the stage band concert tomorrow, sweet dreams everyone!

B.C. Babay ..

Just a short note for now guys. Today was one year since Brent's death. I'm not gonna lie to you all, I never really actually got over it, but oh well. I just needed to put this note out as a memory of him. R.I.P. B.C. Babay, the world loves and misses you buddy ..

This Year Went By So Fast ..

So school is over in 11 days, then exams, prom, graduation and I'm done. Holy crap. That's nuts. It seems like just yesterday that I walked into ARHS with my old friends and got lost cuz it was "so big". Fast forward to today. New friends, new me. School seems so small. I'm no longer terrified of starting high school, but that I'm moving out and going to University in a few months. It seems like it was so silly to be afraid of ARHS. Jeez. This year has sped by so fast, some amazing things happened, some pretty crappy things have happened. I hate ARHS but you know what, I still don't wanna leave. Yeah, the teachers are all drunk, more than half the kids are stoned and the whole school is evil and vindictive, but right now, leaving scares the shit out of me. It's the same as my house. Yes my family drives me nuts. They don't support anything I do, hate my friends, are sometimes homophobic, but then there are times like this last week, when they've been amazing. I dunno what I want to do anymore, but I know that I've got 3 months till I'm out of my own. Scary eh?