Miss Me When I'm Gone ..

I Have The Best Friends Ever ..

Thanks guys. The last few days I've been an emotional car wreck, going through hell a million different times, struggling with a lot of things, then today with the whole possibility of my mom making me leave, it's been a rough couple of days. Thanks to those who offered to help me out, I really appreciate it and I hope I never have to take you up on it, but if I have to I will. At least now I have some sort of a plan.
Last night I went to Mal's with Rach for a while. The night included slushies (Drool, peach slushies ..) and trying to fix Christie's mic on her laptop. THE ALIENS ARE COMING FOR US. Bad feedback, for the feedback queens lol. It was hilarious, but I guess Christie's mic finally works lol. We ordered pizza too, got the wrong order, confused the hell out of the people at Bam's lol. Oh dear, it was amusing. Today, I went out for a while, visited some people, including my grandmother, which was how I found out about this whole possible getting kicked out thing. It's been a rough day, between that, and I'm scared I'm losing the only person I've ever loved, but enough of that ..
Tonight, I'm going to make Harry Potter cookies with Karly and Matt I guess. Let's just hope that Harry Potter in edible forms will make me feel a bit better ..

Shit ..

Right, so guys apparently my mother told my grandmother that if I don't have a job by Wednesday then I'm out. Obvious problem with this is that I've applied for jobs, I'm just waiting for the damn people to call me. I have to wait, it's not like that's my fault, what else am I supposed to do. Basically if they don't call by Wednesday I'm fucked. Who loves Kaitlyn enough to help her out for a few days *Insert Puppy Eyes Here* I'm screwed ..

Mom + Blog = Bad ..

Oh shit. Today was interesting. Apparantly a few weeks ago, my mom found my blog, And has been reading it ever since. Can we say uh oh? She read all the lovely stuff I wrote about her. It's a little dangerous. She spent a good few hours yelling at me after she got off work today, about how yes all this shit is my fault, and she doesn't think that everytime we have an argument that everyone on the internet needs to know. Funny, I thought my friends deserved to know when I was having problems, not to mention it really helps me to vent on here instead of to her. Guess not. Anyways, I changed the url, And I'm gonna lay low with this one for a while, so anyone like Mal and Cody who link blogs, leave the old one up till we leave please, it would help if she doesn't find it.
Today, at least I got to get out of the house after the freak out. Cody and I went and washed his car lol and we got my glasses waxed. Haha, that sounds so weird, however, leave it to me to stand in the stream of carwax! Oh yes. After that we went back to his house and continued the cleaning of his car, while I vented lol. Thank you Cody for getting me out and listening to me bitch, You are a lifesaver!
Anyways, I guess that's it for updates for now. Tomorrow I have to go out job hunting again so that my mom will buy my laptop hopefully. I really need it and she says she won't until I make a thousand dollars, which is impossible by the end of summer, but let's just hope that she'll order it anyway if I can get a steady job!

I'm A Disappointment .. Again ..

Right, so according to my mom I'm a fucking disappointment again. I can't do anything right and apparantly I screwed up life for my whole family. What the hell. As of now I guess I'm on my own. She won't buy my laptop anymore, so I guess I'm not getting one because God knows I don't have the money. She freaked out at me for my stupid job not giving me hours, IT'S NOT MY FAULT. It's not like I asked for them to not give me any. I want the freaking money just as badly as they want me to have it? Do they think I don't want money next year? I'm sorry that I can't be perfect, that I couldn't work during the school year cuz it stressed me out, that when I did have a job that it closed. I'm sorry that I can't control who I am, or that I can't be magically straight again. It might have worked for you, but it doesn't work that way for the rest of us mom. I am who I am, and I'm damn proud of it, and I'm not going to go and change that just because you don't like it. I'm sorry that even though I have to leave in the fall that I don't want to. You think I wanna stay here with you? You're badly mistaken, but as badly as this damn town has treated me all my life, there's still people and places I'm going to miss, and yes, I am gonna want to come home and see them, even if you don't want me in your stupid house anymore. All my life I wanted to make you proud of me, even if it meant I grew up too fast, moved out, put so much effort into things that it hurt. It's you who drove me start drinking when I was twelve .. TWELVE mom, and thanks to you, I started drugs when I was only 14. Even then I knew that you didn't want me here, and neother did the rest of the world. Thanks to you, I'm not even me anymore. None of the things I'd dreamed of for myself have happened, except for the fact that I met the person of my dreams, and do you know what, I'm not sorry it's not a guy. I found love like you never could, and I know that. I'm proud of myself, and I'm damn proud of her, and who she is, and I don't care what you think. I know that I'm stronger than you, smarter than you and a better person than you. Unlike you, I'm proud of who I am, not hiding it, and I quit all my "addictive behaviours", You still have yours. I am who I am today, no thanks to you. You may have changed who I am, but you definitely never helped along the way ..

Changes, Again

Yeah guys, I changed the template again. I just can't stick with one for too long or else it gets boring to me. This time, I tried to be slightly less depressing, hope you guys like it. I've changed a few things in it already, and I'll be changing a few more as time goes on, but it should stay pretty much like this! I'm kinda sick today though, it's been coming on for a few days now and really hit me today, so I'm gonna cut this short.

Lady In The Water

So tonight was basically wasted by me going to the movies with the friends. Saw "Lady In The Water". Twas ok, but not amazing. The damn grass dog thing annoyed me lol. Thanks to those who went and kept me amused, and for those who didn't, I wish you could have been there. I did manage to talk through the entire movie, but I had to keep myself amused somehow eh? I hope I didn't piss you guys off too much! Anyways, the weekend has been rather uneventful, so I have almost nothing else to right about. Blim Blam! lol. I'm done.

To Stay, Or To Move?

So right now, I'm seriously considering moving out of this house again. My mother is past the point of no return. I'm making this list of pros and cons for moving in my grandparents again, and well, hopefully it ends soon. I figure I'm gonna make it tonight, post it tomorrow, and hopefully decide in the next few days, unless for some amazing reason my mom becomes normal, which I highly doubt ..

So Now My Little Brother's In On It Too?

Jeez, this day started out so good, and went to so bad. I'm now officially at war with my parents. Over the stupid computer. My parents really don't understand IM's, like my MSN. Everytime they want the computer, they want me to just give it to them that second. I've usually got no problem with handing over the computer for a second, but I can't do it right when they want it. If I'm talking to someone, I have to tell them I'll brb or I have to go, I can't just walk away. I've tried explaining this to them a thousand times. I told them you can't just walk away, it's like being on the phone, you can't just sit the phone down and walk away, you have to take 2 seconds to say I have to go for a sec, I'll call you back soon, but no. According to my mom that makes so sense. She's in such a bad mood lately that it's driving me nuts, and the worst part is she's starting to get to me. I'm sitting here in tears, because it just frustrates me so much that she doesn't understand, and that she doesn't even want to listen to me. I know that to her, I'm a fuckup, but you'd think that she could take a few minutes to listen so I can try to explain simple things to her. Like today, she was ranting to my little brother about how I use MSN so much. I tried to tell her it's the easiest way to communicate. I can talk to multiple people, and some people I can't call anyway, but she got into this lecture about how when she was a kid, you picked up the phone, called someone and told them you'd meet them somewhere to talk. I can't do that! My friends don't use phones, they all use MSN, and besides, some of them are in other countries. My friend Karly is going to be in Taiwan next year, am I supposed to call her, long distance and tell her to meet me halfway between Taiwan and Canada? I think not. According to my mom, I'm lying. I should just be using phones, but I've even got a few friends I can't call. They're not allowed on the phone, what about them? According to my mom, maybe I should reconsider being friends with them. Apparantly if I can't call them, they're not worth being my friends. The pathetic thing is, even my little brother is going against me lately. He's 14, you'd think he'd know better, but no. He's on my parents side 100%. I can't wait to get the fuck out of this house ..

Random Blurb .. Again ..

I keep finding these random things in different things I read, and I want to save them, so you guys get to put up with them and read them. Sorry!

"To love is the greatest thing in life; it is very important to talk about love, to feel it, to nourish it, to treasure it, otherwise it will soon be dissipated, for the world is very brutal. If while you are young you don't feel love, if you don't look with love at people, at animals, at flowers, when you grow up you find that your life is empty; you will be very lonely, and the dark shadows of fear will follow you always. But the moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed."

Rough Couple Of Days ..

So the last few days have been kinda rough. A couple of you guys know some things that happened, just thought I'd let you know, I'm feeling a lot better now thanks to one person especially, but she knows who she is. I've been desperately trying to just put a lot of things behind me, and try to stop being so depressed. It's working ok as of now, let's hope it stays that way. This morning was another 5:30 am morning. I don't think I'll ever get used to that, but the freaking girl who's supposed to be training be decided to randomly go home, and leave me alone. It was interesting. I never liked her, but today just pissed me off more. Other than that, it's just been too damn hot to do anything lately, so I have like nothing to post about. Hope you guys haven't died of heat yet!

A Successful Year In The End ..

Yesterday, my favorite uncle got married. It went really well as far the wedding itself goes. They had it in their back yard, fairly low key and inexpensive, but hey, it was still one of the most beautiful weddings I've been to. Pretty much my whole family from my father's side was there, and I thought I was happy to see them, until the reception.
See, we got there only in time to get changed, have pictures, and get seated for the wedding, so there wasn't exactly any discussion time until afterwards, however, as soon as the wedding was over, the first thing out of my uncle's Glen's mouth was "So, are you excited to start studying to be a minister?". Haha, yeah, about that, I never really got to tell these guys the fact that I'm not going to anymore. Apparently, the whole family had their sights set on me being a minister, and I'm now a family outcast to everyone, except the uncle who got married, just because he couldn't care less. The thing that really bugs me, is my aunt from Newfoundland. We were always really close, and she was always so cool about everything, and her son is gay so I knew I was safe around her. Apparently not anymore. She's disappointed that I changed my mind. She cancelled her visit to see me and all this junk now, but you know what? I don't care. I was thinking about it for a whole last night, right after it all happened, and none of their opinions matter.
At the beginning of this year, I had said that for my graduating year, I was gonna be myself, and not care what anyone else said. I was sick and tired of the lies, and the hiding, and worrying about what the rest of the world thought of me. I was thinking the last few days, did I actually accomplish that? I made a few huge steps, coming out, ditching some people who I desperately needed to be rid of, told my mom to get the hell over herself, it seems like I did a lot, but when I think about it, I'm not sure how many people actually know the real me. Sure, I did a good job this year of being more like myself, but I can still think of things I did that are really not me. While debating whether or not I should have done things differently, I came to this conclusion. The year went by really quickly, and a lot of things changed. When I think of friendships gained and lost, I have no regrets. I made a couple new friends this year, strengthened bonds with others, and opened myself up to some people I would never have thought would have been as cool as they are. On the other hand, I lost a few friends, made a few enemies, and regrettably even hurt a few people, whether they deserved it or not. Thinking it over, I wouldn't have it any other way. The year was a hard one, that's for sure, but it was completely worth it in the end. We all had our difficult times, when we thought we were totally off track, or that as friends we were falling apart, but you know what? We kept it all together, survived grade 12, and it's over.
Overall, I'm happy with the way my high school years turned out. Everything I've been through has either been wonderful, or just made me stronger. I couldn't ask for better times, with better friends if I wanted to. Next year, when I've moved onto new places, there will be a lot of people I miss. Some people I knew I would, some people I never would have dreamed I'd miss, and some people, well let's just say I'm glad they're staying here. I guess all I've got to say is thanks. Thanks to those who supported me,and those who didn't. Thanks to those who helped me, and those whose insults only made me stronger, like it or not, you've helped me be who I am today ..

Aduh ..

Lovely, so yesterday was definitely another 5:30 am morning. Add thunder to that, and you know that yesterday, was doomed to be a bad day. I've been up since 5:30 yesterday. I couldn't sleep at all last night, and spent it up all night thinking (which is dangerous) and writing(which is even more dangerous). I don't know what to make of anything anymore guys. I've kind of avoided updating in here the last little while. Sure I've posted meaningless little trinkets of my days, but nothing really personal. Lately, I just feel like I don't fit anywhere in the puzzle of life. I'm like that puzzle piece you find in the box, that you know has to go somewhere, but you just can't imagine where. I just don't get it. Lately, I scare the shit out of myself. Like I don't know what's going on anymore, like I'm on autopilot. There's only one thing I'm really sure of, and well, I can't even talk about it on here, but let's just say, it's the one thing that makes me happy.

5:30 am Should Not Exist ..

So this morning, I got up at 5:30 so that I could go to work for 6:30. Most of you guys have seen me around 7:30/8:00 in the morning, and it's not pleasant, let's just say that 5:30 is much much much worse. By the time I got to work (after running into a few walls at home), I was gripping an extra large hot chocolate like it would save my life. I never really understood my parents Tim Horton's addiction first thing in the morning, but I will never doubt it again. So after work, I went home and slept, of course, only to be woken up by a very grumpy father. My father and I have never been close, but lately we're at each other's throats constantly. My mom and I, have been ok. I mean like yeah, we have our arguments, but they're mostly arguments we've always had. The house isn't clean enough, or my room needs tidying, or I need to work more, stuff like that. My dad however, lately has taken over my mom's fighting, only worse. He has a very bad temper, and tends to yell louder, and longer, and say things worse than my mom has ever said. For instance, take today for example. I had just fallen asleep when my dad bursts my door open yelling that he wants the window in my room open, and the door open. I calmly tried to explain to him that I'm very uncomfortable sleeping with the room to my door open, seeing as people can see me, and my brother has creepy friends. He proceeded to yell at me for about 30-45 minutes about how selfish I was, and that because of me the house wouldn't air out properly. Excuse me, but I do believe I have the right to some privacy. I need my door closed. I hate it when people can see in my room, even if I'm not there. My dad knows that, but it never fails that if I leave the house, he opens the door. Everytime I ask him to please respect my privacy, and he yells about how one of the doors on my end of the house has to be open to air it out. I'm sorry, but it's not my fault that you have too much smoke to open your room, get the hell over it. Sometimes I wonder what their problem is, and why pathetically enough, some kids my age are more mature than half the adults I've dealt with lately ..

Random Blurb ..

"Learn to love yourself, and to always understand, that you never should be shaken, if things don't go as planned .... Try to nurture every talent, become all your meant to be, for then there'll be no limit, to the success you'll come to see .... Hold on to your dreams, reach for the stars up in the sky, and you'll find joy and happiness, in every day that passes by."

Imagine Me & You

Right, so the last few days have been boring as per usual. Last night I went out to Elaina's for a bbq and to watch movies. Elaina's drunken relatives are always fun lol. Talking about the meaning of life, and poor Dawn hung up on her sister. Oh dear. After the bbq Elaina and her mom and I watched Imagine Me & You (Awesome movie, must buy ..) and Transamerica, which was ok, kinda funny, but that poor kid is scarred for life lol. I think I spent more time during that movie playing with the kitten rather than watching it lol. Today was pretty spent cleaning and sleeping. I really must remember that my mother now gets off of work an hour earlier though, because I ended up doing most of my chores in 15 minutes when my brother and I realized she was getting off earlier than we expected. Oh well, was tres amusing at least lol. I guess that's about the full extent of my last few days that anyone would care about. Hope your guys' summers are more exciting than mine so far!

Aduh .. Longest Two Days Ever ..

Right, so my last two days were spent on campus at MSVU. I had fun, don't get me wrong, but jeez some of the people going next year are annoying. I found a whole 5 people I can stand. Guh. Got my courses though, which is cool. I got all my first choices too, and sweet courses like women's studies lol. And yay for Kaitlyn skipping first year French! Mahaha, and I qualified for Calculus, but had to take freaking statistics first year instead. Not a big deal, but it's kinda funny that I can take calculus .. If I can anyone can lol. Also, I made a kick ass new friend. And said kick ass new friend has a car, which means lots of random day trips home for Kaitlyn. Sweeeeeeet lol. Getting home is gonna be so easy seeing as I have no Friday courses and I have a free drive home any Thursday night I want, now plus the friend with the car. I'm set. And these poor people thought they were getting rid of me. FAT CHANCE. Mahaha, and as you can tell, they basically pumped me full of sugar and caffeine the last two days so I'm hyper as hell and well, this was a nice ramble about nothing, but I have to go now!

Weddings And Work ..

Yeah, so it's been a few days since I last posed, but it's not my fault, my life just isn' the exciting to anyone but me lately. Most of the stuff was all private stuff, so don't shoot me for no posts :oD. Anyways, Canada Day ended up being boring as hell, sitting around here all day, and bbq'ing for my parents, at my grandmothers lol because apparantly our bbq is broken and they suck at it anyways hehe. Then Sunday I had to learn all the songs to sing at my aunt's wedding. Oh yes, not only so I have to sing in her wedding, but I have to sing EVERY SONG. Jebus, not cool. I could have dealt with one song, but all of them? Jeez, anyways enough of that. I started work yesterday. With an eight and a half hour shift. Dear God that was annoying. And tomorrow, I have a nine and a half hour shift. SHOOT ME NOW! Guh.