Ok guys, my updating has sucked lately, I know, but well, there's not been much to update about. I've been stuck in this depression that I just can't get out of. I guess I'll tell you about the few things I have done ..
What have I done? Not a lot. I've been writing more midterms, and studying my ass off. My glasses are broken so I can't see a damn thing to study and it's making my eyes ache, but oh well, don't really have a choice. I've been sick as hell, but that's another story altogether. I've barely left my room because I'm so depressed I don't want to see anyone. All I want to do is sleep. I haven't been eating, because I don't feel like anything will stay down. On the rare occasion I do eat, it's nothing really of substance, something small. It really sucks, and I want to eat, I just feel like it's not going to stay down, and I've got no drive to eat, I don't feel hungry, it's weird. I'm pretty much surviving off of orange juice. It's fun.
The sick thing? Well here we go with that. I'm officially done with doctors. My last doctor had told me to come back in a month for a checkup and he'd schedule a biopsy. I went in on Wendesday only to be told that he's done with me. He said to just sit back and let it all take it's toll on me, and if I get to the point where I can't walk again to call him. The thing is, if I get that bad I'll have to drop out of school. My dorm is on the top of a hill and I'm on the third floor - no elevator. If I get like I did last year I won't be able to make it up and down stairs or hills so I'll be pretty much stuck in bed. I'm in horrible pain already, and I don't wanna think about it getting worse. I haven't felt "good" in months. I have days when I don't feel sick, but I still feel like something's not right, I just can't put my finger on it. The pain never goes away. It hurts to move, to walk, to even sleep. I'm on these painkillers, but they put my mind in a total other place, I don't know what's going on, and I can't feel my body at all. They also make my Restless Legs Syndrome worse. I told the doctor all that and he just said not to worry about it, sit back and wait. My mom and I lost it at him. I've been sitting back and waiting for over a year. Doctors just keep passing me back and forth, but this was the last chance. He was my last doctor, and he's been cool up until now, but just lost all my respect. The things I could have are scary, and he won't finish my testing. I could be dying, but no one cares. The other fun thing? In about 20-25 days I'll run out of painkillers, no refills, and I'll be in extreme pain again and not be able to move. What am I gonna do then? I can't figure it out. I've got those days left though. After that, I give up. Ok, so now I'm all worked up and crying, in pain, I've got to go. I'll update again soon I promise ..
Edited to add - Ok, done with this shit, it even hurts to cry ..
