Secrets ..Dirty Little SecretLet me know that I've done wrong
When I've known this all along
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you
Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know
I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Who has to know
When we live such fragile lives
It's the best way we survive
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you
Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know
I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Who has to know
The way she feels inside (inside)
Those thoughts I can't deny (deny)
These sleeping dogs won't lie (won't lie)
And now I try to lie
It's eating me apart
Trace this life out
I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret)
I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Dirty little secret
Dirty little secret
Who has to know
Who has to know
*Right I feel like a geek, posting song lyrics lol but I had to do it, it actually meant something and no Christie it has nothing to do with you lol*
Boring..Wow .. Lately I've been so bored I've taken to doing random surveys. So if you guys look over ----------> there .. There's a link to my survey's I've done in case anyone is bored enough to read them lol!
Troubles Galore* I'm warning you guys now this is all jumbled and probably won't make sense .. *
So guys, according to my mother I apparently have no morals. I have spent all week listening to her freak out 24/7 and I'm really getting sick of it. I swear I can't turn around without her finding something wrong with it. This time, all I was doing was talking on the damn phone. Seriously what's wrong with that. I'm like not allowed to have friends anymore. No matter where I go my mother thinks that I'm doing some wrong, and no matter who I talk to (except Christie) she hates them. Apparently now I'm just a high school screwing around not worrying about how other people feel, but that's funny I was always told that my problem was that I was spending too much time worrying about other people being happy and not myself. And apparently she doesn't want me here anymore. She thinks I'm getting myself into way too much trouble and that I'm asking for all the stuff I get into. You think I asked for all this shit then seriously you're messed up. Never in my life did I think I would end up as the person in school I pitied. My parents hate me, I can't escape anything anywhere I go and no matter what I do I'm pissing someone off. At school barely anyone talks to me unless it's to ask if I'm a lesbian. At home no one talks to me unless it's to yell at me for being the worst daughter ever. Even at work people only talk to me to get the latest gossip to go back to school and spread it again. I never get to go anywhere anymore except school and work. I'm so damn confused about all this. And don't even get me started about University next year. Christie and I were talking about that earlier and I really don't wanna go somewhere alone. I have a hard enough time making friends as it is. If someone doesn't hate me cuz I'm bi it's because I actually go to church and if it's not that they've heard of my history with suicide/depression and think I'm crazy. Like seriously I have no idea what's gonna happen next year. I don't wanna leave the few people here that I'm friends with. If I'm lucky I'll get to go to King's with Christie and Mallory, and Jen and Elaina are already in Halifax, but that's only a few of my friends and some of the ones I might lose touch with are the ones I can't see life without. Not to mention lately everything that I do lately is the stuff I swore I'd never do. It's getting pretty hard to fight back to my mom when she's starting to make sense. When did I start being the one who actually expressed how I felt when I knew it was gonna make more trouble. I was always so good at being able to suppress things that I knew would hurt other people but this year I just can't seem to do it. If I'm not scaring my family with a secret I've had for years I'm telling my friends things to confuse their lives more than they need that I knew I should have kept secret. My graduating year was supposed to be the best of my life but so far it's been pretty shitty. In one way I'd do almost anything to go back to when no one knew anything about me and I was kinda happy, I just had a few secrets but I can deal with that, but the other part of me knows I couldn't live with those secrets anymore without doing something drastic. I can't even sort out my feelings anymore. I'm so confused and depressed, but I just can't be upset around you guys and I feel like I;m fine for a while, then I come home and realize that all I've done is repressed for a little while longer to come back twice as bad. I've got to get some time to just stop and think and talk to some of you guys that these things are affecting. I know that some of you guys are hit harder by this than others and I'm really sorry for screwing things up for some of ya ..
Yay Mallory For Giving Me Something To Do :o)1.What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?Uhh .. Went to New York, Went to a decent concert, crowd surfed, finally told my friends about me, got glasses, moved into town, drove, yeah I'll stop now ..
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?I don't do New Years resolutions very well .. They never get kept.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?Nope
4. Did anyone close to you die?Brent :o(
5. What countries did you visit?US .. Did I just admit that?
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?A better relationship with my family
7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?The whole New York trip (May 16-?), May 27 or somewhere around there when I went to Ontario, June 4, Brent's death.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?Actually being myself without listening to what other people wanted me to be
9. What was your biggest failure?Not saving what I should have for University
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?Don't even get me started
11. What was the best thing you bought?My mp3 player maybe? No wait .. Definitely CSI!
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?Uhhh .. My grandmother's, she finally stood up for herself
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?Once again, don't get me started
14. Where did most of your money go?Food lol, or electronics
15. What did you get really excited about?New York, Ontario
16. What song will always remind you of 2005?Anything from Rent of Phantom
17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?Sadder, don't ask why, I just am ..
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?Getting out of the house
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?Being in hospitals
20. How will you be spending Christmas?Pfft
21. Did you fall in love in 2005?Do we have to go there?
23. How many one-night stands?I don't do one night stands
24. What was your favorite TV program?CSI
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?My family out west
26. What was the best book you read?Harry Potter
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?I dunno
28. What did you want and get?Mp3 player
29. What did you want and not get?Lots of things
30. What was your favorite film of this year?RENT :oD
31. What did you do on your birthday?Karly made me cake, other than that, nothing
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?Spending more time with friends
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?Yeah I don't have a fashion concept, first thing I see in the morning ..
34. What kept you sane?A few of my friends
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?Eric Szmanda (GREG!)
36. What political issue stirred you the most?Gay marriage
37. Who do you miss?Zac, Jen, Maddy, Farran, yeah all my church buddies
38. Who was the best new person you met?Probably Holly
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005.Not to listen to what other people want you to be, be yourself no matter who says what, those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter ..
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today
